Tenay - TONIGHT IS THE FIRST EVER IMPACT WRESTLING MEETING BETWEEN KURT ANGLE AND RVD! ALSO, IT’LL BE THE DEBUT OF THE SCORPION SITDOWN!
Taz - I almost had to close my eyes during the spike piledriver - that’s how I broke my neck in ‘95.
Hemme - WELCOME TO THE SCORPION SITDOWN!
Tenay - OH NO, NOT THIS AGAIN!
Ander sting - WELCOME TO THE FIRST EVER SCORPION SITDOWN. Why a sitdown? I CAN NO LONGER WRESTLE so I’ll do what every wrestler does when they can’t wrestle - have an interview segment! I’d like to bring out my first guest, somebody from my past - THE ONE THE ONLY DISCO INFERNO!
Taz - WHAT?!
Ander sting - Not only did you see the crappy clown makeup and Liberace outfits, YOU SAW IT ALL!
Disco - You really are an asshole, aren’t ya?
Ander sting - Yeah, it’s kinda my thing.
Disco - You flew me from Vegas and you wanna know the truth about Sting? There’s 10,000 at the Omni…
Ander sting - IT’S SHOWTIME! WOOOOO!
Disco - Whatever you’re doing here, you flew me from Vegas AND YOU’LL LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY! THE ONE THING STING COMMANDED WAS RESPECT! You can’t pretend that when you were 10, you grew up as a Sting fan - that’s what we were! THAT’S WHY THEY CALL HIM THE ICON!
Ander sting - I’VE HAD ENOUGH! SEE THE CUTE SCORPION? AND THE FACT THAT I FLEW YOUR ASS FROM VEGAS - IT’S MY SHOW. I LEAD, YOUR ASS FOLLOWS. I DIDN’T BRING YOU OUT HERE TO SWING FROM HIS NUTS, I BROUGHT YOU OUT TO BURY HIM! BURY STING! SO WITH THAT IN MIND, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE TO ADD TO BURY THE ICON STINGER! WOOOOOOOOO!
Disco - If you want me to bury Sting, I’m not. I’d like to ask you one question - why do you call yourself an asshole when you’re really just a dick?
Crowd - DICK DICK DICK DICK!
Ander sting - EXCUSE ME!?
Disco - Did I stutter?! I SAID (dances) DICK!
EY - Hogan-Nash, Georgia Dome ‘99 - IT WAS AWESOME. I don’t know if you could afford a TV then, BUT IT WAS AWESOME. One finger, I’ll go down, you get your lowly belt back, and I get to keep my world title.
Velvet - ODB, THAT SNEAK ATTACK SHIT DON’T FLY WITH ME, SO WOMAN UP AND COME OUT HERE AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS! NOW! Now that I have your attention, you mind explaining to me face to face and not from behind what your problem is with me?
ODB - A YEAR AGO, I GOT A CALL FROM MANAGEMENT THAT I WASN’T NEEDED ANYMORE! Was it because I have no talent, a bad attitude, or no wrestling ability? Nah, it was none of the ability - NAH, IT WAS YOUR ASS THAT GOT ME FIRED!
Velvet - I don’t mean harm to your or the other knockouts. EVERYONE BLAMES VELVET I’M SICK OF IT. I’VE EARNED MY SPOT HERE IN TNA! I’VE EARNED EVERYTHING I’VE GOTTEN - I BUSTED MY ASS!
ODB - YOU SLEPT YOUR WAY TO THE TOP! SHAKING YOUR POOTIE TANG ON THE ROPES ISN’T WORK! YOUR LITTLE SILICONE, OR BIG SILICONE! I’LL GIVE YA SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT YA BITCH! YOU LIKE IT ON YOUR BACK, DON’T YA!
RVD - I’m in Impact Wrestling because I was brought here because of what I do.
Angle - The one thing we have here that no one else has is the very best wrestlers in the world.
Eric - According to the doctor, you’re iffy - AND YOU HAVE TO DEFEND YOUR TITLES. You have 30 days, and you know the consequences…THINK ABOUT ME!?
Storm - The doctor ain’t gonna clear him in 3 weeks, Eric!
Eric - Yeah, well, we gotta find a replacement - we can’t wait until the last week! Now you, you look like a mystical hillbilly. Country Jesus mojo. Find some manure, spread it on him, and he’ll be healed!
Storm - I’M NOT JESUS, I CAN’T HEAL HIM, TURN WATER INTO WINE, BUT I CAN STICK MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!
Eric - You could do that, but you’d never work here or anywhere else in this business again. So while you’re contemplating your healing power, think about that. Sorry about your damn arm!
Tenay - LET’S SHIFT GEARS! On Xplosion, there’s been an issue between the Pope and Devon! (a video airs with no audio from it)
Hemme - THE FOLLOWING COMPETITION IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!
Earl - YOU HAVE TO GO!
Karen - NO, I’M SITTING!
Tenay - HULK HOGAN IS WALKING BACKSTAGE! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT ON IMPACT WRESTLING?!
Eric - Thank you all very much AND I LOVE YOU ALL TOO. Each and everyone of you…fine people… You may wonder why I have such a big smile, but I have a lot to be happy about. Last week, I told you Hulk was busy and he had to sit down with some network execs and Foley and I described it as a handicap match if you will and unfortunately for the people involved, they were handicapped - you put two network execs and Foley in the room with Hogan, and I know who I’ll put my money on. THE NETWORK FIGURED OUT THAT FOLEY COULDN’T FIND HIS ASS WITH TWO HANDS AND A GPS, AND WHO WAS QUALIFIED TO LEAD IMPACT WRESTLING - HULK HOGAN!
Tenay - It looks like Immortal might be back in control!
Hogan - YOU’RE EXACTLY RIGHT BROTHER. ALL IT TOOK WAS A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SITDOWN, AND IT WAS UNANIMOUS - AFTER THEY VOTED FOR A HALF-SECOND, THERE WAS ONLY ONE MAN TO SAIL THIS SHIP AND IT’S YOURS TRULY! HULK HOGAN! BUT YA KNOW WHAT BLEW MY MIND WAS THE SAME THING THAT ALWAYS BLOWS MY MIND - INSTEAD OF SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS FOR 2 HOURS, I WAS DOING IT FOR 10, AND INSTEAD OF BEATING PEOPLE UP IN THE RING, I BEAT THEM UP OUTSIDE. AND AFTER THE MEETING WITH FOLEY SITTING RIGHT THERE, THEY STOOD UP AND GIVE ME A STANDING OVATION! WE’RE BACK IN THE SADDLE AND IT’S CLEAR SAILING, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME, I WANNA TALK ABOUT YOU! WHAT YOU DID LAST WEEK, THE STRIDES YOU TOOK TO MAKE IMPACT A GREAT SHOW. YOU TOOK THE X DIVISION THAT WAS AROUND FOR 9 YEARS AND WIPED IT OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET WAS SHEER GENIUS! THE FANS SPOKE THEIR PEACE AND SAID THE X DIVISION DOESN’T MATTER AND YOU’RE THE ONLY MAN WHO DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Nobody invited you out here, Foley!
Foley - I don’t need an invite - I’M A NETWORK EXECUTIVE! You may have fooled a lot of people, but after you walked out, all you succeeded in was pissing the network off. When you left, I took the network on a stroll down memory lane and showed them that the X division put this company on the map and what made this company better. I told them we couldn’t have a company where wrestling mattered without an X division. IT’S NOT GOING TO JUST BE AROUND, BUT IT’S GOING TO BE BIGGER THAN EVER. IN JULY, WE’LL PUT ALL THE X DIVISION WRESTLER TOGETHER IN A PARDUKY I LIKE TO CALL ULTIMATE X!
Eric - You spent your career bouncing your career off tacks and chasing people with a sock, which I guess make you an X division expert, but let me remind you of something - it’s a PPV. THIS IS TV and while you may be a consultant for TV, YOU DON’T HAVE SQUAT TO DO WITH PPV!
Foley - You didn’t get me. While it’s true it’ll be a PPV, the truth is, it’s the network that promotes our PPVs! SO UNLESS YOU THINK YOU CAN PUT ON A PPV WITHOUT THE HELP OF THE NETWORK, I’LL SEE YOU AT DESTINATION X!
Hogan - OKAY THAT’S REAL FUNNY. SINCE YOU THINK THE X DIVISION’S SO GREAT, WHY WAIT!? Why not tonight!/ WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING TO HELP THE X DIVISION!/ I’M REALLY RUNNING THINGS, AND I’M GIVING YOU THE CHANCE TO GET IN THE RING TO FIGHT TONIGHT FOR THE X DIVISION TITLE!
Eric - I LIKE IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!
Hogan - YOU KNOW WHO THE CHAMP IS - MR. RATED X, OUR CHAMPION, ABYSS. IS THE HARDCORE LEGEND ALIVE OR IS HE DEAD AND GONE AND HIDING BEHIND THE NETWORK!
Kendrick - GOD IS TALKING THROUGH ME. TELLING US TO GET MOVING. TOWARDS OUR DESTINY! HE SAYS SONS DON’T BE NERVOUS, FOR NO ONE GETS HURT WHILE IN MY SERVICE. YOU ARE THE REPTILIANS WE ARE HERE TO ERADICATE! MY PURPOSE!
Hogan - KENDRICKS, BEFORE YOU SPEW THIS VOMIT, YOU AND YOUR THREE PIMPLES TO GET TO THE BACK! If you got something to say, SAY IT BEFORE I CRUCIFY YOUR ASS!
Kendrick - GIVE ME THE MATCH!
Hogan - YOU WANNA STEP IN FOR THIS NETWORK EXEC AND FIGHT ABYSS!?
Kendrick - IT’S MY PURPSE!
Hogan - Brother, this is gonna be better than taking that blackhead off the pimple in front of me.
Winter - Angelina, the things we dreamed about for centuries will come true. THEY WILL WORSHIP US! AND WORSHIP YOU AS THE QUEEN I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE! Things are about to change. We’ll fulfill our promise to each other, are you ready, my love? It’s almost time.
Tenay - Mickie says she’s a fighting champion, but this isn’t a title bout.
Abyss - IT’S NOT ABOUT WEIGHT LIMITS! IT’S ABOUT NO LIMITS!
Tenay - Abyss is the second competitor to become a grand slam champion - only Abyss and AJ have done it.
Tenay - WE HAVE A FIVE STAR MAIN EVENT ON IMPACT WRESTLING - RVD AGAINST KURT ANGLE!
Tenay - THERE’S THE OLE FINGER POKE!
Taz - ERIC YOUNG JUST SWERVED GUNNER!
Jarrett - There’s a method to the madness here.
Tenay - I wanna hear ALL about it.
Jarrett - The grappler’s gonna go down to the striker. It’s like my MMA career when I beat Angle in January.