Cole - I’m Michael Cole - THE MAN WHO’S ALWAYS LUCKY!
King - IT’S NOT PAT SAJAK, IT’S BOOKER T!
HBK - Well my, what can I say!? I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, I wanted to stay away - but I just couldn’t do it! HOW could I possibly leave all this? I gave it the old college try, but it’s very tough. 20+ years of doing something - you can’t just stop cold turkey.
Cole - IS HE COMING BACK!?
HBK - GOSHDARN IT, I MISSED YA! I mean let’s face it, no matter what anybody says, it was each and every one of you that made this guy from Texas the headliner, the showstopper, the main event. MR. WRESTLEMANIA, and Mr. Hall of Fame! One of the things, I don’t wanna imply that I’m just a dude showing up, on that note, one thing that’s bothered me is that those hosts are out to plug something. Me, I’m a different cat. I’m not gonna tell you I’ve got a new show on the Outdoor Channel at 11:30 PM because I don’t wanna insult ya with shameless plugs. See my twitter there?
Punk - You just couldn’t stay away - your personality is so addictive you can’t step away from the spotlight even though you said you’d leave. Is everyone happy to see HBK? YA HAPPY!? Ya know what’s gonna mae me happy? July 17th, I’M LEAVING. IT’S MY LAST DAY!
HBK - So you’re saying that none of these people are gonna hear or see you again? Sounds like a win-win.
Punk - IT IS A WIN-WIN - IT’S WHAT THEY WANT, IT’S WHAT I WANT. WIN-WIN-WIN, WIN isn’t just a hotel on the strip, it’s also what you didn’t do when you left the WWE. YOU LOST. HEY EVERYONE, I’LL BEAT THE UNDERTAKER. YOU LOST. UNLIKE YOU, I’M GOING TO LEAVE A WINNER, AND AS YOUR WWE CHAMPION!
HBK - Have you run this by Cena? Because isn’t he the champion?
Punk - He is the champion, HE’S ALSO THE PERSON I BEAT ON RAW 2 WEEKS AGO! MITB PPV, CHICAGO, I’M LEAVING WITH JOHN CENA’S WWE CHAMPIONSHIP! One of the reasons I’m leaving is ALL OF YOU! It really is sad that you’d rather get on your feet for a hall of famer, THE PAST, rather than beg the future to stay!
HBK - At the end of the day, the reason they cheer me is they know I’M BETTER THAN YOU!
Crowd - ONE MORE MATCH! ONE MORE MATCH! ONE MORE MATCH!
Punk - I’m not gonna lie - Shawn, you WERE better than me. The thing is, there’s no one back there who can hold a candle to me. Just like how when you were around, there was no one better than you. WAS THAT A CHALLENGE!? I knew you used to be rebellious. We’re a lot alike…
HBK - We are not alike - we’ve got similarities. We don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs…
Punk - ANYMORE!
HBK - Fair enough, but at the end of the day, you’ve got your style, and I’ve got mine (super kick)
Cole - AND I QUOTE! Punk, you leaving WWE is your decision, but since you only have 3 Raws left, we’re going to make them count. Since you’re in the ring, you’ll have the first match on Raw Roulette. LET’S SPIN THE WHEEL!
Booker - THIS IS BOOKER T - MASTER OF THE SPINAROONI! ON A POLE MATCH! MY FAVORITE, THE PILLOW FIGHT MATCH! QUESTION MARK, this means you have a mystery opponent. IT ALSO MEANS YOU GOT AN ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO HELL, CUZ YOU GONNA FACE KANE!
Crowd - CM PUNK! CM PUNK!
Sign - PUNK IS GOD!
King - If Punk’s in the prime of his career, why is he leaving?
Cole - CM Punk has accomplished just about everything in World Wrestling Entertainment.
Booker - YA GOT THE MAN OF MYSTERY, SIN CARA AND THE MAN WHO FLIES AS HIGH AS A 747 SOARS, EVAN BOURNE! NO COUNTOUT MATCH, GET SOMETHING YA LIKE TA DRINK CUZ THIS IS GONNA BE ON LIKE NECKBONE!
Cole - Ya know how popular Sin Cara is in Mexico? THEY HAD A COMIC BOOK BASED ON HIS LIFE!
Crowd - POWER RANGER! POWER RANGER!
Cole - The SD tour went all over the world and SIN CARA GOT THE MOST CROWD RESPONSE!
Cole - Sin Cara yet to be beaten in WWE.
King - She’s on a new diet plan - SLIM SLOW!
Cole - VICKIE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE OUT HERE!
Booker - Bourne and Sin Cara STRAIGHT UP ROCKED IT!
Alberto - Maybe you’ll bring me good luck.
Maryse - We have so much in common…
Booker - She didn’t spin that!? TELL ME SHE DIDN’T JUST SPIN THAT! Steel cage match, man if you didn’t have bad luck, you wouldn’t have no luck at all, dawg.
Cole - ON SMACKDOWN, JUST TWO DAYS AGO, MARK HENRY SPEARED BIG SHOW THROUGH A SET BACKSTAGE!
Henry - DON’T EYEBALL ME! I’LL DO WHAT I WANNA DO!
Crowd - HOLY SHIT!
Cole - This has almost become
DDP - The Best of Nitro triple-DVD set is flying off the shelves! And ya know who the host is? IT’S ME, IT’S ME, DDP!
Drew - Booker T and DDP, LEAVE THIS BUILDING WITHIN TEN MINUTES OR YOU’LL BE LEAVING IN TEN MINUTES ON STRETCHERS!
Booker - Ya mind spinning the damn wheel?
Truth - IS FATBACK GRISSY!?
Cole - IS TRUTH WEARING A VERSION OF A STRAIGHTJACKET!?
Punk - Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as possible. Digest this - before I leave in three weeks with YOUR title, I have a lot of tings I wanna get off my chest. I don’t hate you John, I like you more than most guys in the back. I hate the idea of that you’re the best. Because you’re not - I’M THE BEST. I’M THE BEST IN THE WORLD! THERE’S ONE THING YOU’RE BETTER AT THAN I AM - KISSING VINCE’S ASS! YOU’RE AS GOOD AT IT AS HOGAN WAS! I don’t know if you’re as good as DWAYNE though - he’s a good ass-kisser. Always was and still is. UH OH, I’M BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL. I’M THE BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD! I’ve been the best since day one when I walked into this company and I’ve been hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that no one wanted to admit. I’m a Paul Heyman guy, AND SO IS BROCK LESNAR, AND HE SPLIT JUST LIKE I’M SPLITTING. AND THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND BROCK IS I’M LEAVING WITH THE WWE TITLE! I’ve grabbed so many of Vince’s imaginary brass rings that I’ve realized they’re imaginary. FOR SIX YEARS, I’VE PROVED THAT I’M THE BEST ON THE MIC, IN THE RING, AND ON COMMENTARY. YET, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I PROVE IT, I’M NOT ON YOUR COLLECTOR CUPS, THE PROGRAM, I DON’T GET TO BE IN MOVIES, I’M NOT ON ANY CRAPPY USA SHOWS OR ON THE SIGNATURE AT THE START OF THE SHOW! I’m not on Conan, Fallon, BUT I SHOULD BE. THE FACT THAT DWAYNE IS IN THE MAIN EVENT OF WM AND I’M NOT MAKES ME SICK! Lemme get something straight - those who are cheering me - YOU’RE AS BIG AS PART OF ME LEAVING AS ANYONE, BECAUSE YOU’RE BUYING THE COLLECTOR CUPS AND THEN YOU COME UP TO ME AT 5 AM TO GET AN AUTOGRAPH TO SELL ON EBAY BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO LAZY TO GET A REAL JOB. MAYBE I’LL DEFEND IT IN NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING OR GO BACK TO RING OF HONOR. HEY COLT CABANA, HOW YA DOING? WHEN I’M GONE, YOU’LL STILL PUMP MONEY INTO THIS COMPANY! VINCE WILL MAKE MONEY DESPITE HIMSELF. KNOW WHY VINCE ISN’T A BILLIONAIRE!? BECAUSE HE SURROUNDS HIMSELF WITH YES-MEN AND I’D LIKET O THINK THAT THIS COMPANY IS BETTER WHEN VINCE’S DEAD, BUT IT’LL GET TAKEN OVER BY HIS STUPID DAUGHTER AND SON IN LAW. LEMME TELL YOU A PERSONAL STORY ABOUT VINCE, WE’RE DOING THE BULLY CAMPAIGN…(mic is cut off)