Cole - Raw is live tonight in Cal-gary, Alber-ta Canada!
Lawler - REMEMBER, THIS IS BIZARRO-LAND! WE’RE IN CALGARY, ALBERTA CANADA! THEY THINK A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY UP HERE!
Orton - YOU ARE ALL BENEATH ME! YOUR OPINIONS DO NOT MATTER TO ME! What does matter to me is that in less than 2 weeks time, I will be facing John Cena at Summerslam! AND I WILL BEAT JOHN CENA AT SUMMERSLAM! THAT IS NOT A RUMOR - THAT IS FACT! I GUARANTEE… (Cena comes out)
Cena - I’M TIRED OF YOU WAKLING AROUND LIKE THIS BUSINESS OWES YOU SOMETHING, AND I’M TIRED OF YOU BULLYING PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU SAY YOU CAN! You wanna bully somebody? BULLY ME! ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT IT, OR DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!?
Show - YOU TWO CAN’T INTIMIDATE ANYONE! I BREATHE IN SOMEONE’S… )Crowd - Y2J! Y2J!) DIRECTION, AND I INTIMIDATE THEM!
Cena - Yeah, cuz your breath smells like Shaq’s jock strap.
Jericho - WE’RE OUT HERE BECAUSE TONIGHT, RAW IS IN MY COUNTRY- CANADA! (crowd goes wild) THE COUNTRY I GREW UP IN, THE COUNTRY I TRAINED IN…
Cena - The country you left when you migrated to the U.S.
Jericho - DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT, what you don’t realize is that earlier today I had a meeting with Slaughter and I told him that he owed it to me to give me whatever I wanted tonight - I want something I’ve never done before. Tonight, I have a one-on-one match against you! And tonight, right here in Calgary, for the first time ever! I’M GONNA BEAT YOU, CENA!
Sign - Less Big Show, More Gail Kim!
Orton - After your match, maybe I’ll come down and PUNT YOU IN THE SKULL!
Show - Wait…Randy, tonight, I’m facing you!
(after an awesome 4-way divas match)Cole - WHAT A MATCH!
King - GREATH MATCH!
King - IT’S GREAT TO SEE SARGE!
(fans boo)Sarge - THANK YOU, THANK YOU! It is my privilege to stand here in front of all you Canadians as your guest host tonight. I respect I neighbors of the North - that’s why my first official assignment as guest host is to lead you all in a salute to the Canadian flag! (a giant Canadian flag is on the tron, with a giant NO sign) THEN I REALIZED THAT IF IT WASN’T FOR THE U.S. OF A, YOU CANADIANS WOULD BE SPEAKING RUSSIAN AND FRENCH RIGHT NOW! IN FACT, MOST OF YOU SPEAK FRENCH ALREADY! (fans chant ASSHOLE) YOU MAGGOTS TAKE THE U.S. PRESIDENTS, AND PROTECTION, FOR GRANTED! THAT’S WHY I’VE COME UP WITH A BETTER IDEA! I DEMAND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO STAND UP OUT OF THOSE CHAIRS, PLACE YOUR RIGHT HAND OVER YOUR HEARTS, AND PAY YOUR RESPECTS TO THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE… (fans chant ASSHOLE) YOU’RE DISMISSED!
Cole - I DON’T THINK SARGE IS ENDEARING HIMSELF TO THE WWE UNIVERSE HERE IN CANADA!
Swagger - THE TWO-TIME, TWO-TIME ALL-AMERICAN!
MVP - The only people who care less about that than I do are these people in Canada! They’re not booing you because you’re American, they’re booing you because you’re an arrogant braggart with a pronounced lisp! I’m kinda like you, only without a trust fund! HOW ABOUT THIS SWAGGER!? You against me in this ring tonight, unless of course, you’re an all-American WIMP!
Swagger - YOU WANT AN ANSWER!? MAYBE NEXT WEEK! (MVP shoves him down, crowd chants MVP’s name)
HHH - Shawn, I’m at the restaurant you told me to go to…I don’t see your name in the directory. (seeing a guy with a wig on)Well that’s a different look than the chaps I’m used to seeing you in…
Guy - I get off at 7...
HHH - Yeah, I bet you do.
(to little girl)HBK - Honey, I need to you let me cook the burger on both sides…that’s how a burger is made… BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORKK DAY! A BRILLIANT IDEA!
King - IS SHAWN FLIPPING BURGERS!?
Sarge - I was just playing before - you’re really gonna like this. I went out and got someone really special to sing your national anthem - CELINE DION! Well, I couldn’t find her, but I found someone a whole lot better! (Jillian Hall comes out dressed as Uncle Sam)
Cole - This isn’t Celine Dion, but this is the Titatic!
JILLIAN - GOD BLESS AMERICA, MY HOOOMEEEE SWEEEETTT HOMMEEEEEEE! (Sarge wipes tears from his eyes)
Lilian - THE FOLLOWING IS A CONTRACT ON A POLE MATCH!
Lilian - FROM CALGARY, ALBERTA CANADA - THE CALGARY KID!
Crowd - HE’S LANCE STORM! HE’S LANCE STORM!
Cole - The Karate Kid’s a good athlete.
King - Did you just call him the Karate Kid?
Cole - DID I!? THE CALGARY KID!
COLE - THE CALGARY KID UNMASKS…IT’S THE MIZ!
Miz - THE WINNER OF THIS MIZ! THE MIZ, AND I’M AWESOME!
Cole - RANDY ORTON HAS MUSTERED NO OFFENSE IN THIS MATCH AT ALL!
Cole - VINTAGE ORTON WITH THE STOMPS!
HHH - I just wanna make sure I’ve got this straight…you’re a cook.
HBK - I’M A CHEF! I have a chef hat and a shirt - they don’t just give these to anyone. After Mania, it was all over.
HHH - You decided to become a chef for corporate nimrods! No offense, guys.
HBK - These nimrods are like my brothers! Look, I’m part of something here, okay! They like me. More importantly than that - they respect me!
Girl - THESE TATER TOTS SUCK, AND MY DADDY’S A VICE PRESIDENT, SO SHAPE UP, MONKEY! (she throws them in his face)
HBK - It’s a virtual paradise…why would I want to leave all this…I’m not listening. I don’t wanna hear it. I’m happy now. More importantly than that. I’m really good at what I do… (a fire breaks out behind him) HHH - Really, Chef Boyardee, is that why your grill’s on fire?
HBK - YES… MY GRILL’S ON FIRE! AHHHH! Okay…I’ll listen…
King - NICE DROPKICK FROM MASTERS!
HHH - YOU’RE THE HEARTBREAK KID!
HBK - I KNOW MY NAME! Flip those burgers, put the hat on and the apron.
HHH - I actually feel more chef-like. I need your help.
HBK - Summerfest?
HHH - Summerfest… SUMMERSLAM!
Guy - HICKENBOTTOM!
HHH - WHAT!?
HBK - I think it’s…
Guy - DID YOU YELL AT A GIRL AND START A GREASE FIRE!? GUYS LIKE YOU ARE A DIME A DOZEN! (HBK superkicks him)
HBK - Yeah, I’m in.
Girl - I HATE ONIONS!
HBK - Hang on…something I gotta finish…(HBK superkicks a small child and the DX theme plays)
Sarge - Listen up, guys, I just wanna thank you all for being such good sports. I know I had my fun poking fun at Canada but the truth is that we’re all part of one great place - the WWE Universe. As a token of my appreciateion, I’d like to bring out a special guest. You haven’t seen him in a long time in Calgary. So ladies and gentlemen, the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be!….
(as no one comes out)Cole - THE HITMAN IS BACK! (Duggan’s theme plays)
Cole - This bizarre edition of Raw continues live!
(after a clip of Markswoggle airs)Cole - THAT’S WHAT RAW’S ALL ABOUT!
Fans - WE WANT BRET! WE WANT BRET!
Jericho - I’m gonna beat John Cena tonight for the first time ever, in the city that I spent seven years of my life, where I trained in Stu Hart’s Dungeon. Tonight, I dedicate my win to Calgary! (when he thinks the camera is off)These people are so easy to manipulate - they even think that I was born in Canada - I was born in America.
Mathews - Um…we’re still on the air…the camera’s still rolling…
King - FREDDIE PRINZE JR. WILL FULFILL HIS LIFELONG DREAM BY HOSTING RAW NEXT WEEK!
(after beating Hornswoggle)Cole - LEGACY LOOKS TO CEMENT THEIR LEGACY AT SUMMERSLAM!