(on the Cage/Angle Alliance)Tomko - This is ridiculous.
DW - Tonight, THE PROFESSOR MIKE TENAY HAS A VERY REVEALING SIT-DOWN INTERVIEW WITH THE MONSTER ABYSS!
Tenay - IT HAS BEEN RARE WHEN SOMEONE HAS MADE AN IMPACT LIKE JUDAS MESIAS IN TNA! THE SON OF JAMES MITCHELL! WE’VE HEARD THE STORY OF CHRIS PARKS WATCHING WHILE HIS MOTHER SHOT HIS FATHER IN THE BACK THREE TIMES, BUT ACCORDING TO MITCHELL, THAT’S ONLY THE SURFACE OF THE STORY!
DW - There’s something about Judas Mesias that just SHAKES YOU TO THE CORE!
Tenay - THOSE DEAD EYES OF JUDAS MESIAS SIGNIFY TO ME THAT HE HAS NO SOUL OR CONSIOUS!
Tenay - At Final Resolution, it’ll be Abyss versus Judas Mesias - THAT’S A MATCH WE’VE ALL BEEN WATING FOR!
(J.B. is in front of a pantsless Kurt Angle’s crotch)Karen - J.B. I knew you were sweet on him, but I had no idea you were THIS sweet!
J.B. - Karen, if you did your job as a wife, I wouldn’t have to do this. THE MAN’S CLOTHES ARE WRINKLED!
Tenay - CHRISTIAN CAGE IS ON HIS WAY TO THE IMPACT ZONE, I CAN’T WAIT TO HERE FROM THE INSTANT CLASSIC!
Cage - You know what I hate? I hate indecision - that’s when someone is unable to make a decision and stick to that decision. Let me give you an example, let me paint you a picture. There are three ways to achieve greatness - some earn it, some have it thrust upon them, and some are born great - I AM ONE OF THOSE SELECT FEW! This is where I’m going with this - at a young age, I decided to embrace my greatness, and I stand before you as the GREATEST STAR IN THIS COMPANY. I stand before you as a two time world champion, and as simply THE CHAMP! So now Tomko, AJ, the time has come for the two of you to make a decision. TNA is not big enough for Christian Cage and Kurt Angle, so let me know exactly where your loyalties lie!
Cage - AJ, you forgot the big guy, you know, the guy with a long beard, looks kinda like a goat! AJ, I don’t know how many times I can get this into your head, I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CAN SAY THE SAME THING OVER AGAIN - you owe everything you have to me. All the TV time you get is due to me, all the Pay-Per-View time you get is because of me, that big check you get every week, that’s due to me, the tag title that sits pretty on your shoulder, that’s due to me, the two world championships…
AJ - Three.
Cage - Okay, three, I know they happened a few years before I came to TNA, but I’m taking credit for them, too.
DW - HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?
Cage - AJ, Angle’s using you!
DW - LOOK AT THE CONFLICTION ON THE FACE OF AJ STYLES! HE STILL THINKS HE CAM PLAY ON BOTH TEAMS!
Angle - Using AJ, for what? Muscle? Brains? No, because I happen to be the most intelligent man in TNA. The only one that’s been using him is you, which means AJ’s coming with me, let’s go, AJ.
Cage - He’s coming with me.
Angle - No, he’s coming with me. He’s big enough to make his own decision, LET’S GO AJ! (Angle goes to hit Cage with the belt, but hits AJ instead)
Booker T - IT’S ON LIKE NECK BONE!
Roode - Isn’t in funny how things work out here in TNA? I had to go on TV to embarrass his horse of a wife to get a main event spot. The era of veterans, or washed-up has-beens, ENDS TONIGHT!
Brooks - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Roode - Are you going to support the king and queen? You work FOR ME, you exist here to take orders from ME!
DW - OH NO, THERE’S ROBERT ROODE’S NUMBER 1 FAN - SHE ALWAYS FINDS A WAY TO GET IN HERE!
Tenay - Look at the perfect shape Booker T is in - FOR ROBERT ROODE TO CALL HIM A HAS-BEEN IN RIDICULOUS!
(Karen attacks Sharmell, Kurt runs into the ring to attack Booker)DW - Angle and Roode are stomping him with their feet!
Booker - I knew you couldn’t do it one-on-one, so I’m gonna get me a partner tonight!
Tenay - LET’S GO TO THE BACK WITH JB AND AJ STYLES!
J.B. - AJ, AJ, you’ve got to make a decision tonight.
AJ - What would you do, JB?
J.B. - AJ, I’d go with the Angles, you don’t want to be on Christian’s B-Team.
AJ - B-Team? I’ve never been on a B-TEAM… except for Gainesville Vocational.
Ad guy - STILL TO COME, MIKE TENAY SITS DOWN WITH THE MONSTER ABYSS!
Tenay - TELL US ABOUT THAT SECRET, CHRIS!
AJ (to Don and Mike) - WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHO SHOULD I JOIN?!
DW - DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU, AJ!
Tenay - It was last week when the Motorcity Machine Guns won the DOUBLE NORTH POLE match and earned the right to have an Ultimate X match at Final Resolution.
DW - CHRIS SABIN CATCHES HIM WITH THE FACIAL - THE DROPKICK TO THE FACE!
Tenay -W HY IS ERIC YOUNG OUT HERE? I GUESS AJ REALLY IS TAKING ADVICE FROM EVERYBODY! WAIT A MINUTE, I’M HEARING THAT THERE’S A COMMOSSION IN JIM CORNETTE’S OFFICE, WE’LL TRY TO GET A CAMERA POSITIIONED BACK THERE!
Ray - LOOK AT US, CORNETTE, we’re too finely tuned and too muscular (rubs Devon’s shoulders) to be climbing those cables like a couple of monkeys!(Devon glares at Ray)
Cornette - IF YOU’RE GONNA JERK ME AROUND, I’M GONNA MAKE THIS MATCH!
Ray - If anyone’s gonna jerk you around, it’s gonna be yourself, now if you’ll excuse us, IT’S ALL YOU CAN EAT KING CRAB NIGHT AT SIZZLER!
Cornette - ENJOY YOUR CRAB!
Morgan - You’re welcome, by the way.
Cornette - NOW YOU’RE COPPING AN ATTITUDE? Go take a walk for 30 minutes outside the Impact Zone and come back before I say something we’re going to hate to hear!
DW - At Final Resolution, THERE WIL BE A WINNER between Gail Kim and Awesome Kong, as it’s a NO DQ MATCH!
(Angelina dives off the top to the floor, camera cuts away right after)Crowd - TNA! TNA! TNA!
Cornette - Matt, did you or did you not make the following matches last week - a cage match with 10,000 Christmas lights, a women’s match with a toy box, a match with tacks, glass, a BARB WIRE CHRISTMAS TREE, and a ladder match involving a reindeer head! WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!
Ad guy - UP NEXT, SAMOA JOE FACES PRIME TIME ELIX SKIPPER… WILL HE SHOW UP!?
Tenay - Abyss, the last time I spoke with Father Mitchell, I was left with more questions than answers. He said that your name was Chris, can you confirm that that’s your name?
Abyss - Abyss is Chris Parks…
Tenay - I was under the impression that your relationship with Mitchell started after you were released from prison - how long have you known him?
Abyss - Too long…
Tenay - He made it seem like your father raised you, is that accurate?
Abyss - MY MOTHER RAISED ME, MY MOTHER RAISED ME!
Tenay - Please, Chris, calm down. Tell us about THAT SECRET, Chris.
Abyss - The secret lives with me, and it dies with me!
Tenay - BUT CHRIS, THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO TELL US…
Abyss - I WILL NEVER TELL, NEVER!
Tenay - REMEMBER WHAT MITCHELL SAID, THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE! (Abyss gets up and stares)
Tenay - BOY THAT WAS A TENSE SITUATION, DON!
DW - JOE HAS THAT LOOK OF UTTER DESTRUCTION! HE THINKS HE SHOULD BE USED BETTER IN TNA! HE ISN’T EVEN WEARING HIS RING GEAR!
Tenay - That’s a look and an attitude that we’ve seen FOR SEVERAL WEEKS!
DW - I think this all started when he found out that Christian Cage and Angle were in the main event at Final Resolution - he thinks that spot should be his!
Tenay - JOE JUST PUSHED THE REFEREE! OH NOOOOO!
DW - Look at the blood in PRIME TIME’S MOUTH, THE REFEREE’S DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO TRY AND PREVENT JOE FROM KILLING HIM!
Joe - Cornette, THIS IS YOUR FAULT, I’M GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS UNTIL I GET WHAT I WANT! If you’re tired of me trashing TNA, I’VE GOT OTHER PEOPLE I DON’T LIKE…
DW - OH THEY CUT HIS MIC!
Tenay - I JUST GOT WORD THAT WE’VE GOTTA GET OFF THIS!
EY - AJ, who better to take life advice from - yesterday, I woke up at the crack of 10, I had to decide between Count Chocula or Frankenberry. On one hand, you’ve got Count Chocula, which has lots of sugar, which as we all know is good for you, and Frankenferry, which has BERRY RIGHT IN THE TITLE, so you know it’s good. Or burgers, do you want two patties or three? I know there’s a button for four patties BUT THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT! How about cell phones? There are flip phones, slide phones, does it accept e-mails, does it allow you to send photos? What kind of phone do you have, JB?
Steiner - PETEY, YOU CROSSED A LINE, YOU ARE A SMALL MAN TRYING TO MAKE IT IN A BIG MAN’S BUSINESS. THAT VEIN IS BIGGER THAN YOUR ARM, YOU TAKE YOUR X DIVISION TITLE, I’LL TAKE THE WORLD TITLE!
Petey - I’m not sure what protein powder you’re high on, but I’M MAPLE LEAF MUSCLE. I guarantee 100, no, 1000 percent, THAT I WILL BE THE NEXT TNA WORLD CHAMPION.
Steiner - I’ll tell you Caroline, I’m gonna get my case back!
Tenay - IT’S DUSTIN RHODES, THE SPLIT PERSONALITY OF BLACK REIGN!
Dustin - Kaz, I know that I’m not supposed to be out here, but last week, you attacked me, and I don’t even know you - why did you do what you did, because I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!
Tenay - WELL I’VE HEARD STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE WITH SPLIT PERSONALITIES, BUT DOES DUSTIN RHODES NOT REMEMBER THAT AS BLACK REIGN HE PUT A BAG WITH HIS RAT IN IT OVER THE HEAD OF KAZ!
Kaz - I don’t know what kind of reindeer games you’re playing Black Reign, but if you know me, you know that I don’t like rats.
Dustin - I don’t know any rats other than the ones who are around you in the back, are those the rats you’re talking about? I’m gonna give you one opportunity to apologize to me?
Kaz - Well, Dustin, I’m gonna give you an opportunity to kiss my…(Dustin slaps him)
DW - DUSTIN SOUNDS PRETTY CONVINCING, MIKE! (Kaz and Dustin fight, Kaz does a balcony dive)
Tenay - LET’S GO TO THE BACK WITH AJ!
AJ - Kevin, I know you don’t know me very well, but you’re so good at helping the young guys… what would you do, Kevin?
Kevin - Well, I’d…
AJ - Oh, and Turning Point… that was just in the spirit of competition.
(during best of ‘07 video)Ad guy - They make you laugh…
Tenay - BIG FAT OILY GUY!
(Roode fan is shown on-camera)DW - SHE’S HIDING IN THE IMPACT ZONE!
(Booker is by the corner, Cage calmly leaves the ring)Tenay - CHECK OUT THE BODY LANGUAGE BETWEEN BOOKER T AND CHRISTIAN CAGE, IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THEY’LL HAVE ANY PROBLEMS TONIGHT!
DW - AJ’S GOT A CHAIR, WHO’S HE GONNA GIVE IT TO, OH HE THROWS IT DOWN, COME ON AJ, GROW SOME BALLS!
Tenay - WHAT A LOW BLOW BY ROBERT ROODE ON CHRISTIAN CAGE!
Cage - AJ, I WANT A DECISION!
Angle - HA HA HA, HE’S MY BOY! Your boss is telling you to get your ass out there right now!
Tenay - Come on AJ, you’ve received advice from everyone from Kevin Nash to Don West, are you going to be in the corner of Christian Cage or the champion, Kurt Angle?!
Tenay - COME ON AJ, MAKE YOUR DECISION, WE’RE SHORT ON TIME, WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON IMPACT, WE HOPE T HAVE HIS ANSWER THEN! (Impact ends early for a Spike TV movie preview show)