Cole - OUR GUEST HOST WILL ALLOW BRET HART TO ADDRESS THE WWE UNIVERSE TONIGHT!
Lawler - DIDJA HEAR THAT? JOHN CENA VERSUS HHH IS OUR MAIN EVENT TONIGHT!
Lawler - Orton is showing a lot of, I think, confidence by turning his back on Sheamus.
Cole - Last week, Sheamus said AND I QUOTE - I plan to walk out of WrestleMania the WWE Champion!
Lawler - Tonight, we’ll find out Bret Hart’s thoughts on being screwed by Mr. Megan last week on Raw!
Bret - Well, it’s no real shock that Vince isn’t here tonight! Ya know, if he’d phone in, I’d have been waiting for him at the airport. I’d have been waiting for him at the hotel! I’d have been waiting for him at the building! So I came here tonight to finish things once and for all with Vince McMahon. (Bret chant breaks out) I came back to the WWE with good intentions - to make peace with Vince, but it wasn’t to be. Ya know, when I think of things, I try to put things into perspective, Vince lied to me, he kicked me in the gut, spit in my face, lied to me some more, had his goon Batista try to rough me up! But ya know, all I can hear is Vince saying those words - THAT I DESERVE TO BE SCREWED! I think Vince deserves to have the holy hell beat out of him, whadya think about that!? I kinda had my heart set on things, but ya know, Vince is the world’s greatest liar. Vince is at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to liars, and in fact, you gotta look underneath it. You’ll find guys like Vince UNDER the barrel. I had my heart set on giving Vince what he deserved at Wrestle Mania - it would have been sweet to have one last victory at WrestleMania, but it’s not to be. There’s no match with Vince - he lied about that. Victory will last a lifetime, but excellence will last forever! So I want to take this moment to thank all the superstars back there for welcoming me here! And I wanna thank the WWE Universe for being so kind to have me back! I especially want to take this moment to thank John Cena, thank you my friend, because in essence, for the last few weeks, I got to live a last few special moments, and I wanna thank all the fans who have supported me - thank you from the bottom of my heart. I think I’m gonna take this opportunity to say goodbye. Thank you very much.
Cole - Bret says GOODBYE TO THE WWE UNIVERSE!
Primo - You leaving?
Bret - Yeah. Say hi to your dad.
(after Bret gets hit by a car)Cole - WE’RE FOLLOWING A HORRIBLE STORY ON RAW!
King - Tomorrow is the last ECW…program ever!
Cole - MVP AND MARK HENRY HAVE BEATEN THE UNIFIED WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
King - UNBELIEVABLE! Well, not that unbelievable!
Cole - I’m getting excited - YOU GETTING EXCITED?!
King - Huh?
Cole - JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Springer - Thank you, how nice you are! Thank you! And welcome to a special edition of our show, and tonight’s show is called the WWE’s most intimate relationships revealed! OUR FIRST GUEST IS SO BEAUTIFUL HER PARENTS NAMED HER TWICE - KELLY KELLY!
King - ARE WE GONNA FIND OUT ABOUT AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP OF KELLY KELLY?!
Cole - Well, IT IS THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM!
Springer - We’re on a family show….
Kelly - I’M PREGNANT!
Springer - WHAT!? Who’s the baby daddy?! I DON’T KNOW HER! WHO’S THE DADDY!?
Kelly - I don’t know. I’ve been in a lot of relationships.
Springer - You’ve gotta know… And who might that be…(Santino comes out)
Santino - Hello Maury Povich.
Springer - It’s Jerry.
Santino - Sure, Maury. It’s true - I AM PAPA! We had some drinks and I AM PAPA!
Springer - Well, that’s not true, is it?
Kelly - Well, when he was sleeping, I needed someone to finish the job - someone with more experience stamina.
Cole - KELLY! EXCUSE ME, SANTINO! Kelly, that was our secret, you loose-lipped hussy!
King - COLE, YOU IDIOT, SHE’S TALKINGA BOUT ME! IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING!
Springer - Isn’t she too old for you? You usually pick up your dates during recess!
King - She’s borderline!
Santino - And if he’s the daddy, he’ll grow up to be a screwup!
Bella - WE HAVE OUR OWN SECRET!
Bella - BRIE IS A MAN!
Springer - Brie may be a man, but we need to know who was going in the room with Kelly!? (Masters comes out)
Kelly - I couldn’t resist myself! LOOK AT THOSE PECS!
Springer - WEAR A BRA!
Santino - I WANT TO KNOW WHO IS THE FATHER IS!?
Springer - I HAVE THE RESULTS OF THE PATERNITY TEST!
Santino - How is that possible? This happened 3 days ago?
Springer - I’m Jerry Springer! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, MAURY! This can’t be right! Wait - how do you pronounce this?
Santino - HORNSWOGGLE!
Springer - THIS IS CRAZY! YOU GOT LEPRECAUNS, GIANTS, TRANSEXUALS, AND PEOPLE WITH BIG PECS! I’M OUTTA HERE!
King - Jerry, we put on this little show for you. But there is one secret relationship we’re gonna reveal here - YOURS! YOU LIKE YOUR WOMEN YOUNG - MAE YOUNG!
Cena - I don’t know Bret’s condition, but I wanna wish him well - I know we’re all pulling for him. NOW ONTO MR. BATISTA - I WAS BRUTALLY ATTACKED BY HIM AND TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO PROVOKE IT! He said he was coming to Raw to respond to my threats - I’ll stand here and be one hell of a welcoming committee! COME ON, GET OUT HERE! Great, first you shop at Baby Polo, then you show up on the Titantron. I know how to get you out here - I’ll turn my back!
Batista - I’m doing you a huge favor by not being there tonight. You don’t want nothing to do with me - you don’t want me in the same ring with you. But I’ll tell ya what, if we ever are in the same ring again, you’re gonna wish it was a bad dream!
Cena - Those words…those are the words of a tough guy! But I saw your hands shake - you’re acting tough cuz you know you don’t want none of this. Look at ya - still smiling’ I’m no dentist, but I’ll take care of that smile for ya!
Batista - It’s comical - this is funny to me. You keep running your big mouth when I’m not there - just keep on yapping! YAP YAP YAP! I’ll be at Raw next week - not on the tron. Let’s see how much you run your mouth then! If you still want those answers, I’ll give them to you. All I can say until then is good luck on Sunday - I’m pulling for ya, buddy.
Cena - I AIN’T AFRAID TO GET IN THE CHAMBER, BUT I’LL SEE YOU ON RAW! YOU WANT SOME, YOU COME GET SOME!