NO MORE HEROES Discussion - FS/FT Pure White Giant Glastonbury LE Pink Cartridge

I don't give a shit whether your agree or disagree with my opinion of the game - the following is posted for your amusement. If you think it's too long, don't read it, and save yourself the trouble. This "review" is by ME:

I'm not going to reduce my amazing opinion to a mere score of any kind. No stars or numbers will do in this case. I just want you all to know that No More Heroes is an extremely overrated piece of shit not worthy of the plastic and DVD foil that it is printed on. With the tagline of this review out of the way, let me get into the "meat" of things.

No More Heroes is a game which has been designed by the infamous Suda 51, or I should say Suda Goichi. At one point in time, Strell has mentioned that Suda is (I QUOTE!) "all style." I've tried to understand what that meant. And now that I know, let me pass the knowledge your way.

We'll begin by taking good games - Hitman series, Grand Theft Auto 3 (btw, even San Andreas is better than this bullshit), and God of War. Now, take the most awesome elements of those great titles, and substitute them with their most shitty "opposites." For example, it's totally awesome how Hitman's assassinations reward stealth and punish you for killing anyone else but your target.... In No More Heroes, you have to kill every motherfucker in the level. Granted, all of your enemies generally consist of "Truck-driver-vest sporting redneck," "Black skinned truck-driver-vest wearing redneck," "a Baseball uniform wearing white trash guy," "a black-skin-tinted Baseball uniform wearing white trash guy," and "asshole."

Remember the rush that you got when you ran over a bunch of people in GTA3 for the first time, and immediately got two stars -and- the police over your ass? Here, you can run over people all you want and no police will come whatsoever. There's no challenge, no "streets are a battlefield." There's just the weakest, least exciting kind of anarchy - the one that nobody - within the game or within my household - gives a flying fuck about. Furthermore, your reckless treatment of your vehicle was very much a punishable offense in GTA, as your shit managed to "explode" every once in a while, causing you to seek out a new method of transporting yourself around the large city. Here, you can run over shit on your grandma ugly motorcycle, and everything will be "okay" - not even a puff of smoke in sight. EXCITING!!!

You might remember these awesome combos that you've pulled out as Kratos - a mortal that has ascended all the way to Olympus - all the while, spinning about in a marvelous whirlwind of steel and muscle. Here, you tap A, press B every once in a while, and jerk the Wiimote like a fucking moron when an arrow on the screen tells you whether you need to wiggle right, left, up, or down. It is almost as exciting as the Simon Sez parts of Indigo Prophecy (the game that I am sure gave my testicles cancer, but I'm really afraid of going in for the test), only the action is less exciting, as it's not pre-rendered to have fun animations.

The game _is_ "all style" because on the other fronts, it provides nothing. But even its "style" is bullshit.

First of all, it's got some 8-bit sounds that I'm supposed to go apeshit over, because OMG KITSCH! All the entry icons for the stores, job center, and other nonsense are rendered using blocks, so it's like a 3D version of 8-bit blocky graphics. OMG SO STYLISH I CAN DIE!!!1 Last but not least, the game decides to freeze-frame all of your entrances/exits into and from every place into a light purple (gayest purple I've ever seen) "graffiti style" freeze-frame, which lengthens transitions to and from each spot by about 5 seconds. That doesn't sound like much at all, but it certainly adds up if you need to visit several places. ALL SSTTYYLLEE (I thought that it'd be more dramatic to make the word STYLE be all like twice itself!)

The dialog is worse than anything else. The absolute highlight of the game is at the very beginning, as the lead character ("Travis Touchdown") jumps into the fray while yelling "fuckHEAD!" It all goes downhill from there. The voices are canned versions of awful Anime voiceovers. If you like this sort of thing (STYLE!) - you are wrong, and I wish you tuberculosis. It's fucking awful. STYLE my ass.

The gameplay is the most important element by far, however, as I can forgive most shitty things in a game if you give me something to point and click at, or a story in which things happen. Even Final Fantasy X provided both to an extent. And I assure you, Final Fantasy X-II did, also, but with more "fruity foofy bullshit" attached. No More Heroes, however, provides you with the following:

In between bloody assasin missions, you fetch coconuts for a man in the park by karate-kicking palm trees, and then pressing A as fast as you can while BADASS TRAVIS TOUCHDOWN clumsily carries said coconut back to the guy, since you can only carry one at a time. What's worse, is that the man that you're delivering coconuts to gives you $2,000 per each one you deliver. I'm not sure who likes this game, but they are all wrong. Later on, you get a new job, in which you have to mow a motherfuckers lawn. You get $300 per each "acre" - except in the game an "acre" is about 3 square inches. Suda 51 must have not been paying any attention in school. And no, calling one little square of the lawn an "acre" is not "style!!!!!" - it's just bullshit.

The assasination missions go something like this - you beat up some guys over and over again. Then, a door opens. You run into that door, where more guys jump out. You keep beating everyone up, until you get to the boss. Once you get to the boss, you're automatically awarded a brand new "awesome" WRESTLING MOVE. You hit the boss over and over with your lightsaber or whatever the fuck that shitty weapon is. Then, you perform the bad-ass wrestling move. A cutscene plays with the most shitty one-liners that could only be funny to potheads or degenerates.

I've rented this game, and I want my money back. I've hated on GTA plenty - it's far from "my type of a game." But unlike No More Heroes, the missions (at least some of them) in GTA3 are actually FUN. You get to race around, kill some people, rob banks, and destroy cars, all while the police are on your ass. And of course, it's not a "real life cop drama" because you can beat up quite a few people on the street all while getting away and perform massive amounts of manslaughter only to be released a few seconds later.

Last but not least, I hate games which emphasize this bullshit materialistic values. Here, you can buy shades, t-shirts, jackets, and jeans. Because that's what you GET - money with which you buy more shit that does nothing. Weapon upgrades? Well, you can go to a gym, where you wave your wiimote around to work out a bit, and then you're done. But that's way cheaper than a new set of fucking JEANS, because lets face it - healthy ain't something you wear, now is it? I hate this game so much, that I am beginning to run out of words. This game is more redundant than Minesweeper, more boring than Tolsoi's WAR AND PEACE (not a video game), and less exciting than Microsoft Solitaire. This game is so bad, that it makes RANDOM PIXELS WITH MOST ANNOYING SOUNDS EVER seem like PORTAL. This game is so fucking awful, that I want my RENTAL PRICE MONEY BACK.

But hey, the graphics are allright. 78%.
 
I never said that. I said he's stylistic, and that said style is one of the big draws of the game.

That's like saying Reggie is human.

Some of your rants could be applied anywhere. Since TC likes Starcraft, let's use that. In Starcraft I can build a fucking armory in about 2 minutes. Damn Blizzard and their style. I didn't have to get proper ordinances or anything signed! Clearly that is anarchy in the fictional future in which we terrans fight aliens that have dreadlocks.
 
Dreadlocks that allow us to create electrical storms, of course.

Seriously. That's how we do it. The dreadlocks are the source of our psychic powers. No shitting - that's what they said at Blizzard. That's why the DT can't do that shit - they cut their dreadlocks.
 
[quote name='Strell']I never said that. I said he's stylistic, and that said style is one of the big draws of the game.
[/quote]

Well, here's the bit you missed:

I HATE THIS GAME. Not because of coconuts, acres, or anything else. I simply hate it.

And no, you can't fucking compare StarCraft building to a grown man carrying coconuts for $2,000 a piece.
 
Don't care about your preferences of the game - don't make up shit I didn't say.

Look - I already predicted the destruction of your couch, aight? I imagine I can harness that monstrous power toward any other structure currently sitting in your apartment.

You have ten minutes.
 
Oh you said "ALL STYLE" allright. It may have been out of context. But I remember you saying "all style." I think we were playing Smash at the time, so its possible that you said "not at all... style is a bad ass song..." and i took it to be ALL STYLE.

However, that combination of words is exceptionally fresh in my mind and it is associated with you - ALL STYLE. Keep your countdown, though. It's cute.
 
No, Sean. Strell is like that guy from Wayne's World who does the countdown. He didn't say 2 or 1, no matter what Garth said. Strell's just like that - he don't say 7.
 
[quote name='The Crotch']No, Sean. Strell is like that guy from Wayne's World who does the countdown. He didn't say 2 or 1, no matter what Garth said. Strell's just like that - he don't say 7.[/QUOTE]

This makes me smirk
 
I refuse. The only good stamps are the ones that you get on the back of your hand so you can get back into the carnival if you have to leave.
 
[quote name='MarioColbert']And no, you can't fucking compare StarCraft building to a grown man carrying coconuts for $2,000 a piece.[/QUOTE]
It's LB$2,000 though. I'd say the conversion rate for LB$ to US$ is about 1000:1. Its a fucking videogame. You want the prices of your in-game activities to be accurate to the current marketplace, account for inflation, etc? Silly.

I agree with your review, except I liked the game. If you're not satisfied by taking off someone's head in a shower of blood by swinging your weapon like a baseball bat, then I can't help you.
 
[quote name='MarioColbert']And no, you can't fucking compare StarCraft building to a grown man carrying coconuts for $2,000 a piece.[/quote]That's the point of it, though. It's self-referential satire. It's mocking video games, the very thing that it is.

Oh, and your opinion? It be wrong!
 
[quote name='MarioColbert']I don't give a shit whether your agree or disagree with my opinion of the game - the following is posted for your amusement. If you think it's too long, don't read it, and save yourself the trouble. This "review" is by ME:

I'm not going to reduce my amazing opinion to a mere score of any kind. No stars or numbers will do in this case. I just want you all to know that No More Heroes is an extremely overrated piece of shit not worthy of the plastic and DVD foil that it is printed on. With the tagline of this review out of the way, let me get into the "meat" of things.

No More Heroes is a game which has been designed by the infamous Suda 51, or I should say Suda Goichi. At one point in time, Strell has mentioned that Suda is (I QUOTE!) "all style." I've tried to understand what that meant. And now that I know, let me pass the knowledge your way.

We'll begin by taking good games - Hitman series, Grand Theft Auto 3 (btw, even San Andreas is better than this bullshit), and God of War. Now, take the most awesome elements of those great titles, and substitute them with their most shitty "opposites." For example, it's totally awesome how Hitman's assassinations reward stealth and punish you for killing anyone else but your target.... In No More Heroes, you have to kill every motherfucker in the level. Granted, all of your enemies generally consist of "Truck-driver-vest sporting redneck," "Black skinned truck-driver-vest wearing redneck," "a Baseball uniform wearing white trash guy," "a black-skin-tinted Baseball uniform wearing white trash guy," and "asshole."

Remember the rush that you got when you ran over a bunch of people in GTA3 for the first time, and immediately got two stars -and- the police over your ass? Here, you can run over people all you want and no police will come whatsoever. There's no challenge, no "streets are a battlefield." There's just the weakest, least exciting kind of anarchy - the one that nobody - within the game or within my household - gives a flying fuck about. Furthermore, your reckless treatment of your vehicle was very much a punishable offense in GTA, as your shit managed to "explode" every once in a while, causing you to seek out a new method of transporting yourself around the large city. Here, you can run over shit on your grandma ugly motorcycle, and everything will be "okay" - not even a puff of smoke in sight. EXCITING!!!

You might remember these awesome combos that you've pulled out as Kratos - a mortal that has ascended all the way to Olympus - all the while, spinning about in a marvelous whirlwind of steel and muscle. Here, you tap A, press B every once in a while, and jerk the Wiimote like a fucking moron when an arrow on the screen tells you whether you need to wiggle right, left, up, or down. It is almost as exciting as the Simon Sez parts of Indigo Prophecy (the game that I am sure gave my testicles cancer, but I'm really afraid of going in for the test), only the action is less exciting, as it's not pre-rendered to have fun animations.

The game _is_ "all style" because on the other fronts, it provides nothing. But even its "style" is bullshit.

First of all, it's got some 8-bit sounds that I'm supposed to go apeshit over, because OMG KITSCH! All the entry icons for the stores, job center, and other nonsense are rendered using blocks, so it's like a 3D version of 8-bit blocky graphics. OMG SO STYLISH I CAN DIE!!!1 Last but not least, the game decides to freeze-frame all of your entrances/exits into and from every place into a light purple (gayest purple I've ever seen) "graffiti style" freeze-frame, which lengthens transitions to and from each spot by about 5 seconds. That doesn't sound like much at all, but it certainly adds up if you need to visit several places. ALL SSTTYYLLEE (I thought that it'd be more dramatic to make the word STYLE be all like twice itself!)

The dialog is worse than anything else. The absolute highlight of the game is at the very beginning, as the lead character ("Travis Touchdown") jumps into the fray while yelling "fuckHEAD!" It all goes downhill from there. The voices are canned versions of awful Anime voiceovers. If you like this sort of thing (STYLE!) - you are wrong, and I wish you tuberculosis. It's fucking awful. STYLE my ass.

The gameplay is the most important element by far, however, as I can forgive most shitty things in a game if you give me something to point and click at, or a story in which things happen. Even Final Fantasy X provided both to an extent. And I assure you, Final Fantasy X-II did, also, but with more "fruity foofy bullshit" attached. No More Heroes, however, provides you with the following:

In between bloody assasin missions, you fetch coconuts for a man in the park by karate-kicking palm trees, and then pressing A as fast as you can while BADASS TRAVIS TOUCHDOWN clumsily carries said coconut back to the guy, since you can only carry one at a time. What's worse, is that the man that you're delivering coconuts to gives you $2,000 per each one you deliver. I'm not sure who likes this game, but they are all wrong. Later on, you get a new job, in which you have to mow a motherfuckers lawn. You get $300 per each "acre" - except in the game an "acre" is about 3 square inches. Suda 51 must have not been paying any attention in school. And no, calling one little square of the lawn an "acre" is not "style!!!!!" - it's just bullshit.

The assasination missions go something like this - you beat up some guys over and over again. Then, a door opens. You run into that door, where more guys jump out. You keep beating everyone up, until you get to the boss. Once you get to the boss, you're automatically awarded a brand new "awesome" WRESTLING MOVE. You hit the boss over and over with your lightsaber or whatever the fuck that shitty weapon is. Then, you perform the bad-ass wrestling move. A cutscene plays with the most shitty one-liners that could only be funny to potheads or degenerates.

I've rented this game, and I want my money back. I've hated on GTA plenty - it's far from "my type of a game." But unlike No More Heroes, the missions (at least some of them) in GTA3 are actually FUN. You get to race around, kill some people, rob banks, and destroy cars, all while the police are on your ass. And of course, it's not a "real life cop drama" because you can beat up quite a few people on the street all while getting away and perform massive amounts of manslaughter only to be released a few seconds later.

Last but not least, I hate games which emphasize this bullshit materialistic values. Here, you can buy shades, t-shirts, jackets, and jeans. Because that's what you GET - money with which you buy more shit that does nothing. Weapon upgrades? Well, you can go to a gym, where you wave your wiimote around to work out a bit, and then you're done. But that's way cheaper than a new set of fucking JEANS, because lets face it - healthy ain't something you wear, now is it? I hate this game so much, that I am beginning to run out of words. This game is more redundant than Minesweeper, more boring than Tolsoi's WAR AND PEACE (not a video game), and less exciting than Microsoft Solitaire. This game is so bad, that it makes RANDOM PIXELS WITH MOST ANNOYING SOUNDS EVER seem like PORTAL. This game is so fucking awful, that I want my RENTAL PRICE MONEY BACK.

But hey, the graphics are allright. 78%.[/quote]
A friend told me to check this out.
Both Hilarious and 100% correct.
 
Heh. Just re-read that and noticed, "For example, it's totally awesome how Hitman's assassinations reward stealth and punish you for killing anyone else but your target.... In No More Heroes, you have to kill every motherfucker in the level."

Next you'll tell me that Samus Aran never brings in criminals for money!
 
Gotta admit, it's a well-written review. Of course the things that MC hates (waggle-y combat, style, sense of humor) are the things that most folks love, but we already knew that. It explains a lot that he mentions bland-but-popular games like GoW, Hitman, and FFX as being good games.
 
I agreee with SOME of what MC says, but it still is a great game.

Most of MC's complaints seem to stem from the outside sandbox world, which is the worst in any videogame I've ever seen. It really sucks, but it isn't enough to ruin the game for me. The gameplay (combat) is badass and this is really what the game is about. This and "style" of which it has alot. The cutscenes kick ass and are some of the best I've seen.
 
In between bloody assasin missions, you fetch coconuts for a man in the park by karate-kicking palm trees, and then pressing A as fast as you can while BADASS TRAVIS TOUCHDOWN clumsily carries said coconut back to the guy, since you can only carry one at a time.
Click to expand...

The only problem with this is that you can carry 2 at a time....I'm only halfway through the game, taking my time with it, as I do with every game.
 
Just beat Speed Buster on Bitter. Also, Harvey Voladarski is a dirty fucking whore with how much he spams the upside-down thing and the spin attack towards the end.
 
[quote name='The Crotch']Just beat Speed Buster on Bitter. Also, Harvey Voladarski is a dirty fucking whore with how much he spams the upside-down thing and the spin attack towards the end.[/QUOTE]


Agreed. I'm currently at Bad Girl and she's very much a real bitch on bitter.
 
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