Sheamus - You talk about your Super Bowl? My Super Bowl is in 7 weeks and it’s WrestleMania. Fella, I plan on walking into it WWE Champion , and that means I have to win the Elimination Chamber. As the champion, I demand that you make the last entrant. You’re the guest host of Raw - MY SHOW. YOU DON’T DO IT, AND YOU WON’T MAKE IT TO DAYTONA! (Christian comes out)
Christian - Carl Edwards, it’s nice to meet ya - I’m the ECW Champion, Christian, and I’m a huge fan. NASCAR, man, it’s getting huge up in Canada. It makes me almost happy we got denied that WNBA franchise.
Sheamus - HOW DARE YA INTERRUPT ME!?
Christian - Last week, Edge came out here and said that he was gonna face either you or the Undertaker at ‘Mania, without one mention of myself or the ECW Championship. I was offended, but later, it made sense, when Mr. McMahon said that ECW would be going off the air in 2 weeks.
Sheamus - That makes you a lame duck champion.
Christian - Actually Snaggletooth, you’re the one that’s lame. It’s obvious to me that you take some pride in how ya look - you spend a ton on hair gel and beard trimmers, but did you run out of money by the time you got to the tanning salon?
Sheamus - Come here to make jokes didja? Only thing funny is that you’ll be unemployed in 2 weeks.
Christian - No, in 2 weeks, everyone on ECW will be a free agent - they can show up on any show they want. I think my Peeps on Raw are starting to miss me, so I figured I’d show up tonight and challenge you to a match! Carl, we can make history - ECW Champion vs. WWE Champion. We’re both here, we’re both champions, and we were born without last names! Carl, make it happen!
Carl - LET’S DO THIS!
Cole - SHEAMUS FALLAWAY SLAM!
Punk - I don’t think it’s any big secret that this region, when falling on hard times, turns to drugs and alcohol! Which makes it all the more sad when you have something to celebrate like Mardi Gras or your little football game that you won. You also turn to drugs and alcohol - BECAUSE YOU ARE WEAK! BECAUSE YOU ARE LESS THAN! BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW ANY OTHER WAY! While everyone else calls this area unsaveable, Luke and myself will win the unified tag team titles and show you why straight edge means I’m better than you. Now, those at home, place your hand on the TV screen. Luckily tonight, we have a “celebrity” in the house - Jared from Subway! Jared, you remind yourself of me. You preach to people and they follow in your footsteps. But I’ll be honest - we’re looking for a good minister of propaganda, and while you’re great for Subway, you’d be better on this side of the fence! Whadya say? You don’t wanna accept CM Punk as your savior? I had a feeling you’d say no, Jared, THAT’S WHY I’M PREPARED TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF YOU! Luke, Serena - GET ME JARED FROM SUBWAY! (DX theme hits)
Lawler - HOPEFULLY THAT’LL STOP HIS…what would you call that? Attempted induction?
Cole - Miz would like to add tag gold to his U.S. g(Show’s theme hits)old.
Cole - Last week, Big Show was fined an UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT OF MONEY for striking a WWE Referee!
Cole - WHO WILL BE THE NEW UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!? This triple threat elimination match gets going next!
Cole - Gallows weighs 291 pounds! HE GOES NEARLY 300 POUNDS!
Cole - EVERYONE IS STILL ALIVE IN THIS ELIMINATION TAG TEAM MATCHUP!
Cole - Punk tries to keep HBK away from his partner HHH!
Show - WE DID SOMETHING TONIGHT THAT JERICHO AND I COULDN’T DO - WE BEAT DX! MIZ TREATS ME LIKE AN EQUAL - HE TREATS ME LIKE A FRIEND!
Miz - WE’RE GETTING ALL THE GOLD! I’M THE UNITED STATES CHAMPION! AND WE’RE THE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! WE’RE MIZ-SHOW AND WE’RE AWESOME!
Show - Miz-Show? How about Show-Miz? Like Showbiz?
Miz - SHOW-MIZ!
HBK - Teddy, I NEED YOU TO TRADE ME TO SMACKDOWN!
Teddy - What about DX?
HBK - I DON’T’ CARE ABOUT DX! TRADE ME TO SMACKDOWN, TAKE A GUY OUT OF THE CHAMBER, PUT ME IN, AND THEN I GET TAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA AND I CAN END HIS STREAK!
Teddy - Shawn, listen, I’d love to have ya - but the SmackDown chamber is set! The people that are in the chamber have earned their spot. Take a deep breath, Shawn…
HBK - YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! DO IT OR…
HHH - HAS THIS OBSESSION GONE SO FAR THAT YOU’RE WILLING TO THROW DX AND YOUR CAREER AWAY!?
HBK - My career is over!
Cole - Welcome here, Maryse.
Maryse - You’re welcome, Vintage Nerd!
King - She called you Vintage Nerd!
Cole - That’s her pet name for me!
Cole - Speaking of Ted DiBiase, his son, Ted DiBiase will be in action next!
Santino - I JUST CAME FROM SUBWAY! YOU CAN GET ANY 12 INCH SUB FOR $5! THAT’S ONLY ABE WASHINGTON!
(after Cena makes Ted tap on the floor)King - RHODES TAPS!
Cena - DAVE BATISTA, I DON’T EVEN WANNA KNOW WHY YA DID WHAT YA DID, I JUST WANNA FIGHT YA! APPARENTLY LAST WEEK, YOU WERE SENT HERE TO TAKE ME OUT! DIDN’T WORK - I’M STILL HERE! BATISTA, WHY DON’T YOU COME OUT AND FINISH THE JOB! I AIN’T GOING NOWHERE TILL YOU DO - COME ON!
Cena - VINCE, YOU THINK 10 SECURITY GUARDS CAN STOP ME!? YOU BETTER SEND IN A TANK!
Vince - WHEN GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH, IT WASN’T ADAM HE HAD IN MIND - IT WAS ME! Last week, I brought out Dave Batista - yes, I admit to that. And the reason for it is I screwed Bret again! Did you see the look on Bret’s face when I spit right in this face!? That really felt good! But I had nothing to do with Batista attacking you! Nothing to do with that!
Cena - So the man you pay off to take out Bret Hart just conveniently attacks me? Why?
Vince - Maybe because you eliminated him in the Rumble? Maybe he just DOESN’T LIKE YOU!? There are a lot of people who don’t like you! I DON’T LIKE YOU! I DON’T LIKE YOUR GI JOE JAW, YOUR GARISH ORANGE SHIRTS! I DON’T LIKE YOU PERSONALLY, BUT BUSINESS-WISE…
Cena - IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY, AIN’T IT!? YOU KNOW WHY THEY CHANT FOR ME AND NOT YOU, BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL ABOUT THE DAMN DOLLA! YOU’RE ALL ABOUT MAKING MONEY! YOU TOOK A GOOD GUY IN DAVE BATISTA AND NOW ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS CASHING CHECKS! I DO THIS BECAUSE I LOVE IT! I DO THIS FOR THE MOMENT! FOR MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHERE I GET TO STAND IN LOUISIANA THE DAY AFTER THE SAINTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL AND FEEL THE ENERGY IN THE CROWD! Daddy Warbucks, you can’t put a price tag on that! I TALKED TO BRET LAST WEEK - HE WANTS ANOTHER MOMENT. I heard him say something I never thought he’d say again - he said he’d like to wrestle another match! Bret the Hitman Hart would like to wrestle another match at WrestleMania. And he wants his opponent to be Vince Mahon! YOU GONNA DO IT!?
Vince - YES! YES! I’LL TELL YOU TO YOUR FACE! YES!
Vince - Bret, I know you’re up in Calgary, in some Igloo up there, and I’d like to remind you why you don’t want any part of this! You don’t wanna be embarrassed like you were, maybe like LAST WEEK!?
Vince - ATTACK ME FROM BEHIND!? BRET, YOU WANT ME AT MANIA!? NO! I CHANGED MY MIND! YOU DESERVE TO BE SCREWED!