Jericho - When I heard that the most dominant player in NBA history was hosting Raw, I automatically assumed it was Kobe Bryant - but instead it’s you. The most powerful duo in sports is not Lebron and Shaq, it’s…
Shaq - Hold on…CHRISTINA! (he kisses Jericho) What are you doing here anyway!?
Jericho - IT’S CHRIS, NOT CHRISTINA! IT’S CHRIS, YOU PARASITES! I came out tonight because once again I’ve been disrespected by the guest host of Raw - I am the biggest star in WWE - the best at what I do, and I demand to be consulted to by every member of this company, including guest hosts. If you continue to insult me, well…we’re gonna have some problems.
Shaq - A problem? What kinda problem?
Jericho - Some BIG problems… You wanna know what I’m gonna do to you? Introduce you to my new tag team partner - the largest athlete in the world!
Show - You, trying to intimate me? Blow me kisses? You have a better chance of making two free throws in a row than intimidating me, so do the smart thing, slim, and get out of my ring.
Shaq - Lemme tell you something, fat boy, I’m working on a show right now called Shaq Versus, where I face great athletes - not that I consider you a great athlete, but I’m gonna challenge you right now, right here!
Show - Fat boy?
Shaq - Fat boy?
Show - THIS FAT BOY’S ABOUT TO PICK HIS TEETH WITH A SEVEN FOOT TOOTHPICK! I fight you, cripple you, destroy you, and guess what happens? David Stern and the NBA comes down on my neck, and then Lebron will try to face me, and I’ll have to crush him, that’s not a road I wanna go down. I don’t want the NBA going down my neck - legal feels, attorneys, I don’t need that. I won’t fight you.
Jericho - Yeah, and I’m not gonna fight you either!
Shaq - It’s my show, so I did bring two people that you will fight!
Cole - FROM FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN, CRYME TYME’S IN THE HOUSE!
(as a giant clock appears on-screen with 6:49 on it)Cole - Mark Henry beats Carlito, unofficially, at six minutes and forty nine seconds!
King - I’m excited because we’ve got the divas, AND I’M CALLING THIS MATCH BY MYSELF!
Sign - Don’t Leave, Lilian.
Sign - LUDVIG BORGA!
(after Horny blows a dunk)Cole - That was…SHAQILICIOUS! (Shaq shakes his head)
King - It looks like they’re distracted, but in actuality, they’re just looking at the clock in the back of the arena.
(after HHH is clubbed in the leg)Cole - WILL THIS HURT HHH’S CHANCES OF BEATING THE CLOCK! NEXT!?
Cole - HHH WAS ATTACKED IN THE BACK BY TED DIBIASE OF LEGACY!
King - AND RAW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY VERIZON!
Cole - AND WE’RE AT THE VERIZON CENTER!
King - What I think HHH is trying to do is sell some time…
Cole - It’s almost as if Randy Orton told Cody to not allow HHH to advance!
King - …that goes without saying…
Lilian - HHH has failed to win…beat…the time.
(during Scrabble with Shaq)Santino - HOW DID YOU GET SO MANY QS!? Unless you one time did something unspeakable to a cactus, I’m pretty sure that SHAQ isn’t even a real word! (Cryme Tyme enters, and then Santino raps to the “Wrestlerock Rumble” tune)
King - Hornswoggle had a great day in our na-tion’s capital.
Cole - King, wanna know how much Shaq wanted to be here? He made a WWE UNIVERSE PAGE!
HHH - Rhodes and DiBiase, every now and then in life, you run into a guy you just shouldn’t screw with - I’M THAT GUY!
(after Shaq shoulder blocks Show)Cole - BOOM SHAKALAKA!
Cole - WHAT A SPECSHAQULAR NIGHT!