March 3, 2008
Wii-kly Update: Five New Classic Games Added to Wii Shop Channel
This week's additions are to make all of you shut the hell up. Here's the damn games you've been wanting, so quit your bitching, okay? We just had to wait for Iwata and Miyamoto to take a vacation and sneak them out to you. Don't tell them we did this. If they ask, tell them this week's game was just Mario's Time Machine or something stupid like that, kay?
Earthbound (SNES, 1 player, Rated E for Everyone 10 Wii Points): This is the game you want. Just buy it. It's only 10 Wii points, so everyone should buy multiple copies and send it to everyone you know. Good stuff.
Super Mario RPG (SNES 1 player, Rated E for Everyone Buy This Game, 1000000 Wii Points): Developed by Square, this RPG game is gonna set ya back 1 million Wii Points. But you will buy it regardless. Give us your cash. We like to swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck.
Shining Force II (Genesis, 1 player, Rated S for Sega Sucks, 1000 Wii Points): This game will make you remember why you bought a Genesis instead of a SNES. Its a great game, but they really just copied the idea from our Fire Emblem series, changed a couple things around, and voila. Sega hasn't had a good original idea since 1992. Sonic was really Miyamoto's idea, stolen by Sega by a hooker they hired to get him wasted and steal secrets from him.
Super Smash Bros. (N64, 4 players, Rated E for Ejaculation, 5000 Wii Points): We added online matchups to this classic N64 title, with a leaderboard, tournaments and everything. Voice chat is enabled, but you gotta buy the official 1st-party headpiece for an additional $50. Oh yeah, don't forget your new Friend Code.
TurboGrafx Shooter (TG-16, 1 player, Rated E for Eh, We HAD to have a TG16 Shooter, its in the contract, 600 Wii Points) We don't know which shooter this is. Who really cares though? You shumup geeks will buy it anyway, and everyone else will ignore it.