Cole - WWE BEGINS ITS MOST MONUMENTAL WEEK IN ITS HISTORY!
Sign - Batista is my Superman
URA Champ Punk
Lawler - BATISTA IS READY TO UNLEASH THE ANIMAL ON JBL!
Santino - SO! BARRY AMINAL, BATISTA! WE FINALLY MEET! BUT BEFORE WE ENGAGE IN BATTLE, THERE’S SOMETHING YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEE! PUT UP THE HONKA-A-METER! DAT’S RIGHT, ONLY 58 WEEKS MORE AND I WILL TIE THE HONKA DONKA MAN’S RECORD AND BECOME THE GREATEST IC CHAMP OF ALL THE TIMES! BUT FOR YOU! Put up the brain Barometer! YOU SEE, THE AVERAGE BRAIN HAS 6 TRILLION BRAIN CELLS IN DA BODY! SANTINO MARELLA HAS 10 TRILLION! DAT’S TWICE AS MANY AS DA AVERAGE HUMAN BEING! BATISTA HAS… 12! 12S! AND I’M ABOUT TO KNOCK OUT 10 OF THEM! YOU ARE A THORN ON MY BACKSIDES! I’M GOING OT LEAVE YOU IN WORSE SHAPE THAN THE U.S. ECONOMY! (Batista then kills him in a minute)
Todd - Shawn, tonight you’ll team with a partner against Jericho and Lance…
HBK - I know what you’re gonna say...10 years ago when I trained Lance, I knew he was good then, I just never thought that he’d show the world that fact at my expense. Tonight, I won’t let it happen again. Jericho, you have 6 days to walk around as world champion, because this Sunday, HBK’s gonna climb the ladder and walk out the world champion!
Todd - Will you team with Batista again?
HBK - Big Dave and I don’t exactly get along - what about a tag team alliance between HBK and a guy who considers himself a Real American? Or a Texas Rattlesnake? I got a better one - the BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE BEST THERE EVER WILL BE…Eh, went a little too far there. Fact of the matter is that I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I just want a partner that…actually likes me.
Cole - WE’RE BACK WITH THE BLING BLING BROTHERS!
Lawler - Hold onto your wallet!
Cole - Cryme Tyme hosts Word Up on WWE.com. The word of the week this week - gloppin!
Cole - THIS HISTORIC WEEK FOR WWE CONTINUES WITH ECW TOMORROW - NEW START TIME - 9 PM!
Cole - The Miz UNLOADS ON JTG!
Cole - I love Word Up - I learn a new word every week. Helps my street cred.
Lawler - You’ve got a lot of street cred, too (he then laughs)
Lawler - Did you know that Cryme Tyme were honor students? They were always “yes, your honor, no, your honor”.
Cole - Miz and Morrison topping Cryme Tyme in page views on WWE.com and tonight in the ring.
Noble - Every time you open your mouth and God-awful sounds come out, I almost swallow my soul, but Jamie Noble needs a partner of female anatomy, so whadya say sweet cheeks?
Jillian - Jamie, if Layls didn’t want to be seen with you, then why would someone 10 times hotter be? YOU’RE A LOSER, JAMIE, SO WHY DONCHA KILL MEEEE!
Dolph - Hi, I’m Dolph Ziggler.
Jillian - Did you say “Dolph Ziggler?“
Dolph - Yes. Hi, I’m Dolph Ziggler.
Noble - I HEARD YA THE FIRST TWO TIMES!
Cole - Mickie has had some run-ins with the Bir-chills! over the past few months!
Crowd - JA-MIE! JA-MIE! JA-MIE!
Cody - Kane, we know you’re not a tag team guy…but your father’s Paul Bearer, which makes you a second-generation superstar just like us. If we act as a unit out there, we should be okay.
Ted - We didn’t ask for the match, but we wanna make sure we’re all on the same page, so whadya think?
Kane - I don’t take orders from anyone. I think that I’m going to massacre Rey tonight whether we’re on the same page or not! The say I see it, STAY OUT OF MY WAY! Or there will be a pile of second-generation carcasses lying motionless in the ring! Now if we’re done here, I’m gonna see a good friend again!
Cade - As you all just saw, I was THE MAN who beat my one-time mentor Shawn Michaels! The truth be told, In the last 3 months, I’ve learned more from Jericho than I have from HBK in TEN YEARS! My victory last week was PROOF that Chris Jericho is a better teacher, a better influence, as is just better - PERIOD! And Shawn, as far as tonight guys, I couldn’t care less who your partner’s gonna be - I don’t care one bit, because you’re either gonna lose to me or Chris Jericho - just like you will this Sunday. Because when NM is over, it will be Chris Jericho who is still the world heavyweight champion!
Adamle - Earlier tonight, Kane made a request to me. And I told him that I would grant his request based on whether or not he won tonight. Well Kane won and I’m a man of my word, so this Sunday, should Kane beat Rey, Rey will have to take off his mask (fans boo loudly) in the middle of this ring. Now Rey, I know the mask is…(Orton comes out) Randy…Can I help you?
Orton - I just wanna make sure that you have your cell phone on ya - you’re out here making decisions and I just assumed that you’re supposed to call Shane and make sure they’re okay. Is that on your to-do list after you shine his shoes and pick up his dry cleaning?
Adamle - I don’t like your tone.
Orton - YOU NEED TO RE-SUSPEND CM PUNK RIGHT NOW! And you need to stand up for yourself - I’m the most valuable commodity here, and if I’m not happy, I guarantee you won’t be. When I’m healthy, I will OWN things, just like I did when I was champion. And when that day comes Mike, you’ll need me on your side more than Shane, so if you’re smart…(JBL comes out)
JBL - I’m having a very bad week so this is gonna be short. I lost more money than most people have ever seen, thank GOD IN HEAVEN I HAVE MORE THAN THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO REDISTRIBUTE TO THE POOR, so there’s a few things I can take solace in - my wife is one of the most powerful women in the world and will be testifying in front of Congress next week, and next week, I’ll be standing here telling either HBK or Jericho that I’ll face them, what’ll you be doing? Living in the past? You’re a one-armed gimp living in the past, THE HYPERBOLE THAT YOU’RE THE GREATEST, Adamle, you wanna do something that’lll do more than impress Shane - when I become world champion, Orton NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER GETS A SHOT! (Batista comes out and spears him like JBL clotheslined him earlier)
Batista - I know you’ve had a bad week, but by mo…No Mercy, it’s gonna get a lot worse!
Santino - Tank you for da kind words, how’d you get my numbah? (Beth shows up)
Beth - Who were you talking to?
Santino - Sick kid, Frankie, poor guy, I promised to win the match, but the stupid head BATISTA! He’s taken a turn for the worse. Want me to walk you to the ring tonight?
Beth - I don’t think that’s a good idea - you cost me last week. I can’t have you screwing things up week after week.
Santino - SCREW THINGS UP!? It’s a good thing you don’t have a Fabulous Moolah meter? YOU’D BE GOING FOR 22 YEARS! (Beth gets mad) She be a female problem.
Cole - It’s Beth and the karaoke queen.
Cole - The karaoke queen, Jillian, we heard her sing YOU’RE A LOOOOSSERRR, JAMIE… He wasn’t a loser tonight, though.
Crowd - WE WANT PUP-PIES! WE WANT PUP-PIES!
Cole - We’ve done more episodes of Raw than the Simpsons and Seinfeld COMBINED!
Lawler - RAW’S AN ENTERTAINMENT JUGGERNAUT!
Lawler - There’s DEUCE! He was drafted to Raw in 2008 supplemental draft…he’s got quite an impressive background! (THE GREAT CHARLI comes out) POOR DEUCE! LOOK AT THAT CHIN!
Charli - BA BWHA TUBA!
Signh - THE GREAT CHARLI SAYS BEHOLD HIS AWESOME POWER!
Charli - BOOSOW!
Singh - THE GREAT CHARLI SAYS WHEN PREPARED CORRECTLY, CURRY IS BOTH DELICIOUS AND NUTRITION! IT IS!
(during Charli-Deuce)Crowd - THIS MATCH SUCKS! THIS MATCH SUCKS!
Cole - The chin stayed on the whole match.
Lawler - Amazing. Oh no…
Cole - IT’S THE REAL GREAT KHALI!
Lawler - Maybe he thought it was funny - I did.
Cole - I don’t recall him ever having a sense of humor.
Lawler - This is history - the Great Khali meeting the Great Charli!
Cole - FIRST TIME EVER!
(Charli goes for a handshake, Khali chops him)Lawler - I guess Khali doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Jericho - When I came here today, someone had the audacity to say “good luck on Sunday” - I DON’T NEED LUCK. I will be vicious because I am better than he is. I’d like to give you a demonstration of what I’m gonna do to HBK on Sunday - Cade, get a ladder. Everyone’s obsessed with the final moments of a ladder match, but I’m obsessed with what’ll happen before. I WILL tie you to the ringpost and smash you with the ladder against the t…steel steps. When I get you back into the ring, I’m gonna beat you near-unconscious, and slam the ladder again and again on your neck! And then finally, I will stand over your carcass and use the weapon to cage in your ribcage just like this. The cold hard fact is this - there’s not another man who knows how to maim someone with a ladder more than me, and after Sunday, I will still be world champion - not because of luck. Wanna see what I think of luck? (he walks under a ladder) When you’re the best in the world, you don’t need luck!
(HHH comes out as HBK’s partner)Lawler - If HBK wins the world title and HHH retains the WWE Title, DX WOULD CONTROL THE WWE UNIVERSE!
Cole - I’m being told that this is the first time in nearly a year that DX has been back together!
Cole - Shawn Michaels, really the innovator of the ladder match. Jericho’s won three titles in a ladder match - it’s really the two best wrestlers in the ladder match going at it on Sunday.
Cole - THIS IS A 2-ON-1 ASSAULT! (one second later) THE REF HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO CALL FOR THE BELL!