Cole - 24 hours removed from one of the most SOUL-CRUSHING PPVs of all-time - Survivor Series.
Barrett - Last night, John Cena looked me in the eye…(fans boo loudly) CAN WE HAVE SOME DECORUM HERE, PLEASE!? (fans boo louder) LAST NIGHT… (fans boo, Barrett shakes head in disgust) HARD LUCK! I FIRED HIM! I’LL TRY AGAIN - SHALL I!? Last night, John Cena looked me in the eye and told me he knew exactly what he’s doing. It means 2 things - 1, that he was willing to sacrifice his entire career to do what he felt was the right thing. And number 2, it meant that I went into last night’s match without a fighting chance because Cena already decided that I wasn’t gonna win. In fact, he was biased from the very beginning - AND THAT IS NOT FAIR! In the entire history of the WWE, an official has never once been allowed to place his hands on a competitor - yet it’s what Cena did. He distracted me, then pushed me into a waiting RKO. I don’t think an injustice is something we should be cheering! IT WAS UNJUST, UNFAIR, AND UNPROFESSIONAL. That’s why I’m here now - IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE, I’d like a chance to take on Orton. This time, with a neutral referee so I can prove to the world that I can indeed beat Randy Orton and become the new WWE Champion. (GM dings)
Cole - AND I QUOTE! There’s no question that there’s some validity to this, and there’s no doubt that Randy Orton would like to prove his superiority. Therefore, the WWE Title will be defended when Randy Orton faces Wade Barrett for the WWE Title. AND IT WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT.
Barrett - Well, GM, thank you for some a gracious decision - I am deeply appreciative. But in anticipation of such an announcement, I’ve decided to allow Cena to appear here tonight. DON’T GET ME WRONG - I enjoyed firing him last night, but as a fellow competitor, and a gentleman, I felt I owed it to him to allow him to say his final words to the WWE Universe. And believe me, I’m gonna enjoy listening to them almost as much I’m gonna enjoy becoming the new WWE Champion. Thank you very much.
King - Six hall of famers have been King of the Ring.
Cole - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE MONDAY NIGHT RAW BROADCAST TEAM! CM PUNK!
King - Glad he hasn’t let success go to his clothes. LOOK AT THOSE PANTS!
Punk - Hello, I’m here on the Raw broadcast team for the foreseeable future.
Cole - I love this song. At least he’s not singing that crunk junk.
Punk - I’m not impressed with the dancing skills of Eve Torres. Looks like she’s having an epileptic fit. I’m not a fan of R-Truth. Instead of dancing, he should focus on his wrestling skills.
Punk - I’M AWESOME at this.
Punk - King, who did you win the crown from? Hachenscmhidt or Farmer Burns? It was ‘38, right?
King - I was born a king.
Punk - Truth’s a rolling locomotive.
Cole - He’s the little engine that could.
Punk - Truth needs to keep the locomotive-like momentum rolling!
Cole - BROGUE KICK TO THE GOLD TEETH OF R-TRUTH.
Punk - ALL HAIL KING SHEAMUS!
Cole - It’s ironic that ON TUESDAY, THE BIGGEST-SELLING WWE DVD IN HISTORY - THE JOHN CENA EXPERIENCE WAS RELEASED!
Punk - Do you know what irony is?
McCool - Look, Mr. Security Man, we’re Lay-Cool. But you already knew that.
Layla - What’s your name?
McCool - Mr. Nobody.
Santino - We almost won! I COULD TASTE IT!
Kozlov - Do not worry, comrade. We will win again. TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.
Santino - WHAT IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES!? I AM SO DEPRESSED! (Tamina plays a ukelele for him)
Cole - Have you seen how good we look in the video game?
King - Yeah.
Cole - Yeah, I sound great. Why are you rolling your eyes? You’ve been an announcer for two segments!
Punk - I’ve done this before.
(after Riley comes out)Punk - Who is this?
Riley - I have news!
Punk - I bet he has some news…
Riley - THE MOST AWESOME SUPERSTAR EVER HAS SUFFERED AN ANXIETY ATTACK!
Punk - I’m fine.
Punk - He wants to face Zeke? Is he under the influence?
Punk - KING ALEX RILEY. Doesn’t roll of the tongue. King Zeke sounds good though.
Punk - What do you call him?
Cole - A-Ri!
Punk - What? Like bread? He looks kinda stale to me.
Punk - I could outsmart him - or overpower him!
King - Punk, I understand this is one of your favorite groups.
Punk - Well, no, but I would like to thank Hail the Villain for the Survivor Series theme.
Cena - If ya gotta go out, THAT’S THE WAY I GOTTA GO OUT. If I’m leaving, I’M LEAVING JUST LIKE THIS. (Cena chant breaks out) Just in case you’ve been locked in sports entertainment solitary confinement - Orton’s still champion. That means I’m fired! Uh…a decision that was probable, but I didn’t think it would happen. Forget about it - before I got this job, I was sleeping in my car and cleaning toilets. I didn’t’ think any of this would happen. Over the years, you guys have kinda gotten to know me… Um…here’s the deal though… You only see what you see on TV…there’s a lot about me and everyone else you don’t know. I got a few seconds to tell you this one thing… You have no idea how much I respect this company. Not just the company today, but guys like Austin, HHH, HBK, the Undertaker… Ya see, when I got a chance… titles were one thing, but my goal was to look those guys In the eye and for them to say “Kid, you’re alright”. I’m out here tonight with a smile on my face. You guys might think I got a bad deal - but it’s wonderful. I got to dance in the ring with hall of famers. Travel the world, meet millions of people, and live out a fantasy. So I’m not gonna let what Nexus has done to me for two months ruin the last nine years of my life. One thing you may not know is that life moves fast here in WWE. When I first started, WWE was a big part of my life - then it became my life. It was by my choice - I wanted to give everything I had to each and everyone of you. That takes sacrifice. My family has been so patient with me. They let me step back and be me. They’re okay with it. My brother Matt just had a baby girl, and I missed it. My mom’s birthday’s In a couple days… I’m going to West Newbury to see chubby and my Mom is gonna get the best birthday present in ten years - cuz I’m gonna be there, hug her, and tell her I love her. All the money in the world can’t buy ya that. I look like an idiot up here. Forget it. If I look like an idiot, I’m gonna be an idiot. One thing I loved about you guys is you’re always honest. If I’m walking out here one more time, I just wanna hear half of the arena say let’s go Cena, and other half say… we’re gonna do it right. I want every woman and child to say let’s go Cena, and I want every guy over the age of 18 to say Cena sucks! Ladies and kids, LET’S GO CENA! Hold on - let’s go Cena, and Cena sucks from the dudes. Who can be louder? LET’S GO CENA! CENA SUCKS!
PUNK - CENA SUCKS!
Cena - Remember everyone, It’s your passion that keeps us coming back. I wanna say something to Wade Barrett. I think the kid has some talent and I’m trying to help him out before I leave. Wade, do yourself a favor, take advice from a grizzled, ex-employee who wears purple and may have peed in your coffee once or twice. STOP TAKING SHORTCUTS. Stop trying to take the easy way out, cuz these fans will give you everything if you give them everything in return. Success Is due to consistent performance - give them everything, and they’ll give everything back to you. They’ll probably fire me, but I’m already fired - KARMA’S A BITCH and it’ll come back to haunt ya. Billy Kidman’s ready t strangle himself cuz I’m way over my time, so I’ll save the thank you list to one - THE WWE UNIVERSE. Thank you for letting me share my life, thank you for standing up for the WWE, watching every Monday, Tuesday, WHENEVER THE HELL WE’RE ON. Thank you for allowing idiots like me to live this wonderful dream. It’s all because of you. Let’s go home…
Punk - John Cena has left the building.
Cole - Took you a long time to think of that, didn’t it?
Punk - Well, I had to watch that awful speech.
Punk - What’s the matter Cole? Not a fan of Wagner?
Cole - No, Daniel Bryan.
Punk - IT’S A FAN!
Cole - It’s Brie Bella.
Punk - Oh. She’s a 4 at best.
Punk - You’re gonna talk about Maurice’s shoes next.
King - I know you’re not an idiot, but what!?
Punk - SHE’S A 4 - we’re in HD.
Punk - Daniel wins again. WHAT A NERD, HUH!?
Cole - We’ve got two broadcast journalists here - you and me, Punk.
Punk - You know what’s amazing about that smart, sexy, and powerful catchphrase? None of the divas have all three.
Punk - HER HAIR! HER HAIR! HER HAIR!
Cole - That’s J.R. and he’s not here. Thank God.
Punk - I’ll try to fill his shoes.
Cole - Big belly to fill though.
Punk - SHE’S DOING SQUATS. Looks like her father Jim the Anvil!
Punk - THE SHARPSHOOTER. Made famous by Bret Hart. You know something about him, doncha King?
Cole - We’re back in Orlando!
Punk - WHAT A DUMP!
Cole - The parkour king, John Morrison!
Punk - What’s going on with the divas? Is there something in the air tonight?
Cole - Melina’s a beautiful woman.
Punk - No, no, no!
Punk - I beat John Morrison for the ECW Title. Tell Tyson Kidd how I beat Morrison.
Punk - KING MORRISON!
Cole - He’s able to mold his body.
Punk - Wait, what!? He kicked him. He didn’t MOLD HIS BODY.
Cole - It’s about using the movement of the body.
Punk - Okay, SO YOU GOOGLED PARKOUR! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ART!?
Cole - I’m a journalist!
Punk - FLYING CHUCK!
King - Don’t quote Striker.
Punk - It’s just what he calls it…
Guy - GET UP RAN-DDDYYYY!
Cole - I just got a message on my Blackberry - NEXUS HAS BEEN BANNED FROM RINGSIDE.
Punk - Does that really matter? The damage has been done.
Cole - Orton has been DINGED UP a bit here!
Punk - One of Randy’s best attributes is his agility - which Nexus has taken away.
Cole - THE ERA OF AWESOMENESS HAS BEGUN!