HHH - This Sunday, I will defend the WWE Title in the first-ever championshp scramble match! Now despite the fact that sounds like something you’d order at Denny’s, it could be the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced. There’ll be five guys in this, scratching and clawing, hoping they can make it the 20 minute time limit and walk out as WWE Champion. Now Styles and his team of WWE.com nerds have informed me that that gives me about an 80% chance that I will lose the title on Sunday. Now I’ve never been great at math, but I believe that gives me…
Shelton - THIS MATCH IS NOT ABOUT YOU! This match is a crap shoot for everyone involved, so the way I see it, you’re gonna need a little luck and a lot of talent to win! When it comes talent, I’M THE GOLD STANDARD, and I plan to add a little gold to my collection this Sunday. You’re doubting me, right? Lemme remind you of who it was who dropped Jeff Hardy and MVP last week, and most importantly, let me bring your attention who dropped YOU LAST WEEK!
HHH - That’s really cool, it’s especially cool how you left out right before that, I had beaten you. I’ll hand it to you - that makes you an excellent cheap shot artist. You’re very good at it, but since you’re so good at dropping people, put the mic down and try me face-to-face.
MVP - Time out, you can put that on pause right now - let’s get one thing straight, ain’t none of y’all leaving as champion, because the king of bling is better than the king of kings, the charismatic enigma, whatever that means, THE Brian Kendrick, and the so-called Gold Standard - you’re more like fool’s gold to me. All you did was show you taking a cheap shot at me after my match.
Shelton - When I hit you with Paydirt, that was PAYBACK for you hitting me with the drive-by!
MVP - That was accidental…
HHH - Guys, stop, how long have the two of you been here? It’s been quite a while, right? What part don’t you get? It’s simple - lemme explain how it works - this is the week before a PPV - I come to the ring, talk about defending my title at the PPV, that’s called “a promo”. At that point, while I’m cutting my promo, you guys interrupt me, you walk down here and talk a whole bunch of trash you know you can’t back up. I take the mic and insult you, and probably your family, to the point where you get upset, try to beat me up, and then I beat the crap out of you and we don’t see ya the rest of the night! Now, it’s a very simple formula, and you guys…not…you…none of this is ringing a bell to ya. I swear to you I’m gonna be champion ‘til like the next century. What don’t you guys get? Here’s the thing - you guys just go ahead…(Kendrick comes out and attacks him)
R-Truth - ST. LOUIS, SAY WHAT’S UP! YOU CAN GET WITH THIS OR YOU CAN GET WITH THAT, THE WWE - THIS IS WHERE IT’S AT! YOU GONNA POP LIKE A PIMPLE AND I HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED YET! THE WWE - THIS IS WHERE IT’S AT!
Tazz - J.R., I know you’re a big hip-hop fan.
J.R. - Word. .
J.R. - There’s been a lot of great wrestlers out of Robbinsdale, MN - including Mr. Perfect. Bam Neely, officially, the bodyguard of Chavo Guerrero.
R-Truth (to crowd) - WHAT’S UP! (crowd responds in kind)
Tazz - I KNOW WHAT’S UP, IT’S R-TRUTH! Come on, J.R.
J.R. - WHAT’S UP! I’ll work on that.
Taker - They say the anticipation of death is far worse than the death itself. I’m gonna let you decide, Vickie Guerrero, because at Unforgiven, I am coming for your soul! So until Sunday, I’m gonna leave you with a few things to think about. I want you to think about my hand squeezing your throat until the strength leaves your body. I want you to think about your cold, lifeless body being confined to a mahogany prison that is your coffin! And as you lay there gasping for air, I will set that coffin ablaze and that is when your lungs will begin to fill with the smell of your own burning flesh! And that earthly inferno will descend you to the fiery bowels of HADES WHERE YOU CAN REJOIN YOUR ACCURSED HUSBAND, EDGE! I promise, Vickie Guerrero, endless agony and an eternity in HELL!
Shelton - Gold, it’s an element both precious and pure. There is no talent more pure and precious than me. I am the Gold Standard.
Tazz - Shelton jumps up…like Spider-Man!
J.R. - Spider-Man just got taken down by his cape!
Tazz - Spider-Man doesn’t wear a cape, but I get your point.
Maria - There’s nothing wrong with my clothes.
Maryse - There’s nothing right.
J.R. - Tazz, you interviewed Maryse last week, and I could tell it drove you banana…
Tazz - Earlier, Maryse busted on Maria’s outfit, and well…have you ever busted on a woman’s outfit?
Tazz - Maryse with a camel clutch - the Iron Sheik would be jealous.
J.R. - The Iron Sheik never looked like Maryse - not that we know anyway.
J.R. - I’d love to know the true relationship between THE Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel Jackson. I should probably just forget about that one.
J.R. - The back of Kendrick’s head hurts, and now, so does the front! And yes, that’s the face!
Tazz - Yup.
(after kicking Crazy)Kozlov - YOU’RE NOT COMPETITION! NO MORE GAMES! I DEMAND BETTER CHALLENGE! (Big Show comes out)
J.R. - BETTER CHALLENGE? HOW ABOUT A MUCH BIGGER CHALLENGE!?
Show - So you want a challenge? Now I understand it’s hard for you to get one, with our GM, it’s probably just an oversight. Well, you want more competition, and I’m feeling competitive too - how about we go at it right now? What about it, big guy? (Kozlov puts mic down)
Vickie - STOP! I SAID STOP! Vladimir, get out of my ring! ENOUGH! GET OUT OF MY RING! As for you, Big Show, you have interfered with my show for the last time! Not one, not one more distraction or I SWEAR, if you thought I was unfair last time, you haven’t seen nothing yet! Now tonight, I have business to take care of in this ring, so I suggest you get out and go home! I SUGGEST THAT YOU FOLLOW MY ADVICE, OR ELSE I WILL FINE YOU AND SUSPEND YOU INDEFINITELY! And Big Show, I guarantee you, this is not an oversight. GET OUT!
Tazz - She’s…angry!
Vickie - Can I have everybody quiet please? (crowd boos loudly) EXCUSE ME! I have an announcement FOR THE UNDERTAKER! THE DEAD MAN! (crowd boos louder) Undertake, I REINSTATED YOU, I POURED MY HEART OUT TO YOU, I EVEN APOLOGIZED FOR THE SINS THAT I HAVE COMMITED! AND UNDERTAKER, YOU ANSWER ME BY THREATENING MY LIFE! MAY I REMIND YOU THAT I AM THE GM OF THIS SHOW, YOU SEE, I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED, I WILL NOT BE SCARED, I WILL NO LONGER LIVE MY LIFE IN FEAR OF YOU, SO UNDERTAKER, YOU CAN SEND ME TO HELL, AND I’LL JOIN EDGE, AND THAT DOESN’T BOTHER ME. In my life, I have been places that make Hell look like a vacation! I HOPE YOU’RE LISTENING LOUD AND CLEAR - I will not longer be a victim of your plans for revenge - I am not scared of you. At Unforgiven, I will get what I want - you apologizing to me!
Tazz - DID SHE JUST DEMAND THE UNDERTAKER APOLOGIZE!?
J.R. - Brie Bella goes under the ring…is Hornswoggle there?
J..R - Compelling and dramatic - it’s Shawn Michaels versus Chris Jericho.
Eve - HHH, you have a couple of incredible dates ahead of you - what is your greatest concern?
HHH - My greatest concern is global warming, or possible the economy. It’s another day at the office for the WWE Champion - the list is a mile long of guys who want to knock you down. You don’t look at the list, you look at the guy facing you until you knock him down. Eve, lemme ask you a question? Do you think it’s possible for me to complete a thought before being interrupted?
Jeff - You have a huge problem come Sunday - me!
HHH -That’s interesting, Jeff, you know a lot about problems, don’t ya, Jeff. You’ve already got two strikes against ya - three strikes Jeff, and your outta the game!
Tazz - When I was driving in, I saw the St. Louis arch, and it reminded me of the Great Khali.
Tazz - For those who don’t know, in a lumberjack match, the guys on the outside are basically allowed to do whatever they want, as long as they get ya back in the ring.
J.R. - A 420 POUND SPINEBUSTER EXECUTED BY THE WWE CHAMPION!
Tazz - If this is just another day in the office, I don’t want to work in his office!