The new THEN NOW FOREVER tag seems fairly pretentious, but man did that show-opening video rule. Very surprised to see Flair in it, and Eddie's memorial show just due to it being a death show. Very GIF-worthy deal. Surprised to see Vince out at 8 since the pre-show video said it would be DX, as did all the ads throughout the week. The new graphics are sleak, and the set of tits on the chick behind King were nice. I wanted to strangle Cole as he put over DX with five thousand words, including giving them all the credit for the Attitude era, and said that they were ATTITUDINAL! Loved Pac, Billy, and Road Dogg. Pac's got a gut to him, while Billy hasn't aged much. Ya know, tonight would be a great night just to give the Outlaws the tag titles. Not like they mean shit anyway. Really could've done without HHH putting himself over and knocking everyone else for losing their hair. This has designated points of sucking, which led to Damien Sandow coming out and saving it. Could've done without Sandow basically calling himself a jobber in front of them. Didn't help that he got "hit" by a superkick that missed by a mile and only ate the finishers of HHH and HBK - the others couldn't even get a finisher in. HHH stripped him down and threw him out, in case HHH hadn't been put over enough over the course of 1,000 shows.
They hyped up sending virtual messages to AJ and Bryan - can I send them virtual items in Farmville? Also, twitter handles now take up as much space on pre-match graphics as the actual name. Loved J.R. getting his own intro. Rey, Sin Cara and Sheamus faced Jericho, Dolph, and Del Rio. LOLed at Cole calling Sin Cara Rey. Cole rattled off a stat meant to put over Jericho, but really put over HHH, who definitely needs help having his accomplishments brought up. Sheamus and Jericho botched the Irish Curse, so they redid it again. Sheamus kicked Jericho's face off to win. Fine match, but not quite what I was expecting. I think the intros might've taken more time than the match. And of course, Cole excused J.R. from the show after the opener. They showed some wacky Touts, including one fan wearing a nice outfit and going Yes! and another one blowing a raspberry. Shocked to see Sheen via Skype. Layla and AJ did a wacky skit with Duggan, Piper, Little Jimmy, and Mae's son the hand. LOLed at the hand, not the rest. They should mass-market the hand outfit. They shilled Sonic's smoothie shamelessly.
The dactyls have shorts! THE DACTYLS HAVE SHORTS! Also, you can now SHAZAM entrance themes. Brodus's American flag gear makes him look even fatter, and the indy Dude Love gear sucks. HHH and Trish shilled yoga and recreated the HHH/Trish deal with her apparently

ing him in the ass now. Road Dogg made jokes about it and that that was. Bryan met with dudes...and this led to the wedding opening the second hour. Slick came out as A TRAILBLAZER. Well, he was the first stereotypical black pimp character in WWE. Slick referenced his yardbird skit on the Piledriver video. Slick ruled. SLICK, I SAID SLICK-AH, RULED-AH! He agreed to marry her, but she didn't want to marry him - SHE GOT A PROPOSAL FROM VINCE...who said she was the new GM of Raw. That was something. AJ overkill will be further overkilled next week. AJ skipping in the gown ruled. Crowd died with this. Bryan had a tremendous facial expression when Vince came out.
Punk came out, mocked him, which led to Bryan saying he's the greatest of all-time...which led to The Great One coming out. The Rock, Punk, and Bryan in the ring at once...wow. Rock announced that he gets the champ at the Rumble and he Rock Bottomed Bryan. This ruled. Could've done without Brock being brought into this Tout bullshit. Bret, fresh off his UFC appearance, came out to ring announce. Loved Bret putting over Perfect, although I thought that would lead to him doing this for Hennig's son, instead, it was the IC Title match. Miz got a shot...for losing his MITB match. They went to a break and Cole said that this match was the one The Universe picked...HOW!? They could only pick one guy in it, not the other. Loved Miz's short DDT counter to the spear. Miz won after the Finale. Loved how much emotion he showed in winning...and then he made a hilarious O face when he was given the belt.
Loved Regis putting over WWE and even showing off THE DESTROYER. Poor guy sounds old as hell though. HHH came out in his ridiculous DX getup for the Brock deal. They showed Brock doing the Kimura, which was great since I'd forgotten this being about a broken arm. I thought it was all about lawsuits. HHH and Heyman had some great stuff going until Steph's goofy rap theme hit. Then she acted like a complete bitch, put over how her kids can be proud of their daddy and grand dad, mocked Heyman for his failings in WCW (huh?) and ECW, which is amazing since at least Paul tried to do something on his own, unlike anything's Steph done... Anyway, Brock came out in a new weathervane shirt and brawled with HHH. Dug everything in it outside of Brock being sent packing. I'm not sure why I'm supposed to like HHH - he had to have his wife come out and do his job for him, and all she did was take cheap shots at someone. This was really underwhelming given that it was Brock's first Raw appearance in three months. Nothing came of that Tout they brought up from Heyman and Brock earlier, so that appeared to just be a way to poorly attach it to a hot angle.
They showed some goofy Touts - loved the Brit with the Jericho jacket though. They showed a Cena-Austin WWE '13 video to hype up the Austin-McMahon feud. Santino and Hornswoggle came out to shill the WWE Brawlin Buddies...good lord. I assume they did this just to make sure that anyone who tuned in for the first time in years wouldn't watch again. Fink got to announce Heath's match. Lita came out in a sports bra. Thank God her tits aren't PG. Actually, Slater's might be biggers than her. The APA came out to kick his ass, but first, he had to get thrown back in by all the guys who beat him up before. Loved Heath's sell of the clothesline from Hell. Loved Slaughter checking the arm after Slater got his ass kicked. Loved Sean Mooney's deal with Bryan - dude hasn't aged much, and they appear to be making Bryan a life coach whose life is falling apart. Alex Guerrero is WWE's one hundred-millionth social media follower! Loved Cole's wacky face he made after interviewing him. Fozzie introduced another video (dedicated to catchphrases) to ensure that more lapsed fans make sure to not watch again. The video included a sign with WE LIKE IT HARDCORE DOGGY STYLE. PG. Even with this being the OMGBIGGESTSHOWEVER, they had a ton of filler. Gene looked awesome in his white suit, shame that a comedy skit with Ryder was used for Rock-Cena hype. Jinder brought out a bunch of Superstars guys to interrupt Kane, which led to Taker coming out to help his brother. I guess lighting a BBQ outweighs burying him alive. Taker's intro will never not rule. This was fun, if a bit of a waste to use one of 'Taker's last physical deals on Raw on Superstars dudes. REALLY could've done without the immediate Be a Star deal right after the beating. This segment went from being a lot of fun to feeling like corporate bullshit.
They did another deal with Sheen that seems to be building up Bryan-Sheen in some form at Summerslam. At 10:53, the intros for the WWE Title match began. Loved Punk initiating the code of honor handshake. Oddly, they brought up all the great former WWE Champions on the show, didn't mention Brock, but of course mentioned HHH's name first. Loved Punk doing the you can't see me Shining Wizard. After maybe ten minutes, they did a ref bump caused by Cena. Show ran down and KOed Cena. This led to one fan going TNA over and over. Punk went for the pin, got a 2 count for it, which led to an STF out of a GTS attempt and another show run-in for the DQ. I liked Punk doing nothing while Rock came out to kick Show's ass, only to get stopped by Punk. After being overshadowed for nearly a year, Punk stood tall over Cena, Show, and the Rock. Show ended with King saying that CM Punk turned on the WWE Universe...boy that sounded lame. They showed heelish teases for Punk throughout the show, which I liked since it set up the final deal well, but the over-corporate commentary really hurt it. Still, Punk-Rock at the Rumble should be awesome, and kudos to Rock for at least trying to get a new star over...ya know what, given how well that rub worked for Miz and Truth, I won't wish that on Punk.
Screens -
BITCH, THESE MY FLOWAS!
I'M...
The Champ!
#breasteses
