Edge - I’M BAACCCCCKKK! AND IT FEELS GOOD, and I’m not just back in a WWE ring, or in front of all of you. Because I’m back IN THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEMANIA! I wanna take you guys back to 6 months ago. Jericho and I had just won the unified tag team championships, and then I got injured. Docs had me coming back in March, April, May, June, or maybe never - and I was sitting at home 7 weeks ago and I watched the Slammys and see him thank me for getting injured so he could team with the Big Show. And I sat there and saw Jericho make light of my injury and the room got very silent. And it didn’t get silent because Dennis Miller bombed with another brutal joke - it got silent because at that moment I MADE MYSELF A PROMISE, A VOW! I’ve missed 2 Manias due to injuries and I promised myself I wouldn’t miss a third - I REALIZED WHO I AM AND I AM THE ULTIMATE OPPORTUNIST! So, I made myself that promise, that I would prove the doctors wrong, that I was gonna rehab harder than I ever have before AND I DID! I promised myself that I was gonna enter the Rumble and win it! And seven weeks later, Jericho has a Slammy, a mugshot on TMZ, and me, I have my ticket to the main event of WrestleMania! And that means that I can face any champion that I want. Two years, in the main event of ‘Mania, I faced the Undertaker. And I lost. But unlike Shawn Michaels, this year, if I want the Dead Man, I can have him! But when you talk about opportunity, would the smart thing to do be to face the guy who’s undefeated at Mania, or go after the guy who’s never even competed at WrestleMania! I could make a decision tonight, or do the smart thing and wait until after the Elimination Chamber PPV. One thing I do know Is that this year, the rated R SUPERSTAR WILL HEADLINE WRESTLEMANIA! (Sheamus comes out)
Sheamus - Look at this - you’re not back 5 seconds and you’re already mouthing off. A lot has changed.
Edge - Yes - it seems Raw’s been taken over by an evil Ronald McDonald.
Sheamus - I’d watch your mouth if I was you. I’ve never done something that you couldn’t do last year at ‘Mania - beat Cena for the WWE Championship. Last night, I defeated Randy Orton to defend the title.
Edge - I’ve made a career out of beating Cena for the title, and I beat Orton.
Sheamus - DAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO! I’M GONNA WALK OUT OF THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER STILL WWE CHAMPION! And if I could beat them, fella, I won’t break a sweat beating you. Run off at SmackDown like a good fella - I don’t wanna ruin your Royal Rumble moment by rippin’ yer head off. YA DEAF!? I’M GIVING YOU THE CHANCE TO LEAVE - DO IT, BEFORE I PUT YOU BACK ON THE SHELF FOR GOOD! (he attacks Edge)
Cole - LAST WEEK, PSYCH DID RECORD-SHATTERING RATINGS WITH JOHN CENA AS THE GUEST STAR!
Lawler - And they should be even better this week - FORMER WWE DIVA STACY KEIBLER GUEST STARS!
Lawler - RANDY ORTON WITH A MOONSAULT! Why do I keep calling Cody Rhodes Randy Orton?
Cole - Because he’s a part of Legacy with Orton!
Sign - Thwagger Thwucks!
Lawler - Maybe Swagger should stick to amateur wrestling.
Shatner - I think I’m cute. I know I’m sexy. I got the looks. That drives the girls wild. I’ve got the moves. That really move them. I send chills up and down their spines. I’m just a sexy boy. I’m not your boy toy.
Shatner - YOU CAN’T SEE ME! My time is now! OW OW OW OW!
Shatner - Booyaka, booyaka, 619. Rey Mysterioso! Booyaka, booyako, booyaka!
Shatner - It’s time! TO PLAY THE GAME! TO PLAY THE GAME! HAHAHAHAHAHA! IT’S ALL ABOUT CONTROL AND IF YOU CAN IT. IT’S ABOUT YOUR DEBT AND IF YOU CAN PAY IT. IT’S ABOUT PAIN AND WHO’S GONNA MAKE IT!
Ad Guy - William Shatner Sings WWE Entrance Themes - coming soon.
Cole - ORTON IS THE APEX PREDATOR OF THE WWE!
Lawler - That guy is JUST MEAN! You know he once asked Stevie Wonder what his favorite color was?
Lawler - Both of these men are former champions, and both of them…you know…um…have the qualifications to be champion!
Lawler - It was an honor to work with Jack Brisco and know him.
Show - You give bald people a bad name!
Ad Guy - REMATCH NEGOTIATOR! (Shatner appears)
Miz - They’re not even on Raw, so if anyone deserves a title shot against DX on Raw, it’s us!
Show - What are you gonna do about it?
Shatner - What I do best - MAKE A DEAL! NEXT WEEK ON RAW, TRIPLE! THREAT! YOU TWO AGAINST YOU TWO AGAINST DX! WINNER GETS THE TAG TITLES! FREEZE FRAME. FREEZE FRAME GUYS!
Miz - William, you okay?
Cole - I WANT TO THANK ALL THE WWE FANS WHO DOWNLOADED THE NEW WWE ALBUM ON AMAZON.COM AND MADE IT THE NUMBER 1 MOST DOWNLOADED, ROCK, MOVIE, AND TV SOUNDTRACK!
Show - YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME SCOTT, I WAS THUMBED IN THE EYE!
Show - IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN’T DO IT ON PURPOSE!
Lawler - It is my pleasure to introduce our guest host. He’s not only a huge WWE fan, but he’s also the man who inducted me into the WWE Hall of Fame. He’s my BFF - William Shatner!
Shatner - I HAVE HAD THE BEST TIME BEING, UH, YOUR HOST FOR RAW. Thank you so much! And now I’d like to have the honor to introduce the, well he is the excellence. Of execution. The best there is. The best ever was. The best there ever will be - my fellow Canadian and my hero - BRET THE HITMAN HART!
Bret - It was a little over a month ago that I was here and you know, for me, I’ve had about a month to think about things and put it all into perspective for myself. I came here for all the right reasons. 12 years is a long time. It took 12 years to come here with open arms and make peace. People told me that I was crazy - everybody warned me, but I was a little too naïve. I actually thought I could put this behind me once and for all. I was wrong, and it doesn’t sit very well with me. I just wanna say that I didn’t come here tonight to make peace or for closure - I CAME HERE TO TALK WITH VINCE FACE TO FACE! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE! If you don’t come down here, I’ll come down with a camera crew and we’ll find you. GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE! C’Mon Vinny, I’m waiting. I don’t like to wait - IT MAKES ME MADDER! (Vince comes out)
Vince - I’ve never regretted a thing I’ve said or done to you!
Bret - Congrats - that’s the first honest thing you’ve ever said to me! YOU ARE THE WORLD’S GREATEST LIAR! When it comes to lying, you’re the best there was, best there is, and ever will be. You lied to me in Montreal and you lied to me a few weeks ago. You lied when you looked me in the eyes and said you were proud of me and when you said you were like a father to me. YOU COULDN’T LACE UP MY FATHER’S JOCK STRAP! Last week, Cena came out here and he described you as pathetic. You know, I know all about pathetic! 8 years aog, I was in a wheelchair. I suffered a stroke and everyday, I thought about what it would take to get up and walk across the room. One day, I found the courage to stand up and get past it. I remember crying myself to sleep feeling pathetic. I told myself that someday I’d get out of that wheelchair, and I did. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t feel pathetic again. Then I came here with an open heart, offered you my hand, and you kicked me in the gut and left me feeling pathetic! I’VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT! FOR 14 YEARS I WORKED WITH YOU, I LACED UP MY BOOTS, WRAPPED UP MY INJURED KNEES FOR 300 DAYS A YEAR. I told myself that someday Vince would appreciate it - BOY WAS I WRONG. It took me 20 years to build up a reputation, and it took you 3 minutes to tear it all down! Then you described me as chewing gum that had lost its flavor - this stick of chewing gum has enough flavor in to kick your ass right here and right now!
Vince - Now…in the interest of being honest with one another. There he is - BRET HART! Wait - I forgot, it’s Bret “the Hitman” Hart. There’s the excellence of execution - the hitman Bret Hart. My favorite one is the best there is, best there was, and the best there ever will be! WHAT A CROCK! There’s one other - when you’re in Canada, you’re a Canadian hero. That makes me wretch! YOU’RE NOT A HERO!
Hart - Finished?
Vince - NO, YOU’RE NOT A HERO! NOT TO CANADIANS OR ANYONE!
Bret - ARE YOU FINISHED!?
Vince - NO! I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, I’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND IT! I DON’T KNOW WHAT THESE PEOPLE SEE IN YOU! I DON’T GET IT! YOU’RE REVERED BY THESE PEOPLE AND YET I THINK YOU’RE PATHETIC! You have absolutely zero personality! If it wasn’t for the personalities of the people you faced in the ring, if it wasn’t for them, who had a personality, you’d be a footnote in the middle of the card. You look like a dog, you dress like a hobo. Bret, you deserve to be screwed! There’s one more thing I want to say - when we last met face-to-face, I said that perhaps I’d nominate your father Stu for the hall of fame. That’s not gonna happen. No, it’s legit - I’m not gonna induct your father into the hall of fame because he doesn’t deserve it! (Bret unloads on Vince, then Batista comes out and punches him)