Punk - Live from Philly, the entertainment capital of the state! On behalf of John Lauritis, I am proud to declare the results of TLC. Who won the triple threat? Alberto Del Rio, The Miz, OR THE BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD!? AND THE WINNER WAS…ME!
King - TGIM - Thank God it’s Monday.
Sign - Hooters Love Raw
Punk - So, much to the chagrin of old clownshoes Lauritinits, and everything flying, including Ricardo flying 20 feet and crashed through a table, I MANAGED TO RETAIN MY WWE TITLE! Now I’m beat up, sore, and I do truly believe that this is a title a lot of people never thought I’d hold. Which brings us to our next contest - the United States Championship match. So who was the winner? WAS IT MR. ZIGGLES OR WAS IT ZACK RYDER!? AND THE WINNER WAS… spoiler alert. LONG ISLAND ICED Z! Now I’ve saved the biggest for last. There was a chairs match for the world title. So who won THE CHAIRS MATCH!? It was the Big Show, BUT WHO WALKED OUT WITH THE TITLE!? IT DOES ME PROUD TO SAY IT’S DANIEL BRYAN! This city is so entrenched in PRO WRESTLING HISTORY. WHAT ABOUT IT PHILLY!?
Crowd - ECW! ECW!
Punk - This really trips me out, because whoever woulda thought that Punk and Daniel Bryan, who met 10 years ago at the Murphy Rec Center, would 10 years later be in a WWE ring as the WWE and World champion!? Taking nothing away from Long Island Iced Z, go ahead…WOO WOO WOO! THIS IS CRAZY! And so now I’m the guy who says what he wants, I have no filter, but this isn’t about me, it’s about these two guys who started at the bottom and worked their way to the top. Guys who breathe wrestling. The blood, sweat, and tears given up for this business. WWE UNIVERSE, YOU HAVE BROUGHT THEM TO THIS LEVEL! I’m the WWE Champ and I want to hear form the new champs. Zack?
Ryder - I can’t believe it - I called my dad and asked if I was champ, he said WOO WOO WOO, YOU KNOW IT!
Danielson- Ya know, Punk said no one expected him to be WWE Champion, but no one expected me to be in WWE. People like Cole said I shouldn’t be here, well guess what, NOT ONLY AM I HERE, I’M A CHAMPION! AND NOT JUST ANY CHAMPION, THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Now it is absolutely unbelievable, this entire experience…
Ace - As EVP and GM of Raw, I gave each of you a chance last night at the TLC PPV. While some were successful, and others were not, and being the creative GM I am, I’ve decided on tonight’s main event. Which will be the team of the Miz, Dolph, and Alberto against the team of Daniel Bryan, Ryder, and CM Punk. PLEASE CONSIDER THIS MATCH TO BE MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO ALL OF YOU, AND THE WWE UNIVERSE! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Cole - THANK YOU SANTA JOHNNY!
King - I saw the statue of Rocky earlier.
Cole - DID IT REMIND YOU OF ME!?
King - Yeah, it was a big stiff standing there.
Fox - Hi!
Cole - BE QUIET!
Fox - I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A FOXXY HOLIDAY!
King - Jinder Mahal is rising to the top!
Cole - Jinder could’ve been in big movies there, but he went to WWE instead.
Cena - What I am about to say will be shocking! So much so that if you have a healrh condition, you need to muffle your ears. SOME PEOPLE DON’T LIKE ME! I know, it caught me by surprise, but apparently I can get under some people’s skin. Some are here, some are not, my opponent at WM, DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON,T HE MAN WHO BRINGS BOOTS TO ASSES AND HAS CENA IN HIS CROSSHAIRS. I see you and I’m ready for April first. BUT THERE’S A MONSTER ON THE LOOSE WHO WEARS FIRE AND GETS REAL UNEASY AT THE DENIST! HE CHOKESLAMMED ME TO HELL! If it was an accident, we can go on our separate ways.
Henry - THE BUSINESS YOU NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT IS I HAD YOU LAYING IN THAT RING LAST WEEK! IF IT WASN’T FOR KANE, YOU’D BE THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE HALL OF PAIN! You doing a monologue full of jokes…(crowd chants sexual chocolate) LIKE I’M IN THE MOOD FOR JOKES! I LOST MY WORLD TITLE TONIGHT. AND THAT’S WHAT I’M OUT HERE TO DO! TO ADDRESS! My injuries and why I lost. If I was you, I’d kick rocks and get outta my face, cuz I’m all the business you need to worry about.
Josh - Cody, how ya feeling?
Cody - Are we to pretend that what I just saw with Santino was not the most ridiculous thing ever? Just as ridiculous as the notion of Booker T returning and defeating the man who resurrected the IC Title. If anyone looked in a crystal ball, they’d see this face emerging…
Santino - Tis the season for giving, Coby Rhodes. Here’s a Christmas gift.
Cody - I don’t’ want it.
Santino - IT’S….A CHRISTMAS COBRA!
Cole - Booker’s sitting in a rundown hotel learning to be a wrestler like Cody and a commentator like me.
King - The show wouldn’t be the same without you- it’d be better!
Cole - JUST LIKE YOU LAST YEAR, HE WANTED ONE MORE SHOT AT THE BRASS RING!
King - Hornswoggle’s gonna have low ELF esteem!
Josh - Show, what’s your state of mind? After a nine year drought, you became world champ only to have Daniel Bryan cash in 45 seconds later?
Show - I had it in my hands…ya know…nine years…for that moment and um…nine long years of claswing and digging to get back to the mountaintop and in seconds it went away. 3 seconds took away what took me 9 years to get back. I was speechless. When you think about it, it’s my fault - I encouraged him to not wait til WM and cash it in on Mark Henry, but at TLC, he did it to me… um… But ya know, I gotta give the little guy his due - he’s living his dream. That’s…
Josh - C’mon Show, YOU’RE NOT THAT NICE! You have a record that’ll never be broken - the shorted world title reign in history.
Show - I’m okay…(cries and leaves)
Cole - IT’S THE BROSKI BOOT! HE CALLS IT THE BROSKI BOOT! CALL IT RIGHT IF YOU’RE GOING TO CALL HIS MATCHES!
Kign - What are you talking about? I didn’t say it wasn’t the Broski Boot.
Cole - ZACK RYDER WAS A NERD GROWING UP! HE WATCHED WWE! HE WAS AN OUTCAST HIS ENTIRE LIFE!