(fans boo)Vickie - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS WITH GREAT PLEASURE…(fans boo more) IT IS WITH GREAT PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU…(fans boo louder) IT IS WITH GREAT PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU…EXCUSE ME! IT IS WITH GREAT PLEASURE, THE MAN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR BANISHING THE UNDERTAKER FROM THE WWE AND THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, EDGE!
Edge (with drink) - Here’s to the entire family - Chavo, Bam, Zach, and Curt. Especially here in LA, where people smile to your face then stab you in the back - you guys are the real deal. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends than you guys. And to my special lady, I heard the kid from Jerry Maguire is in the audience, but with all due respect to him, you complete me. And speaking of me, I’d like to congratulate myself - this past Sunday, i did something that no one else has been able to do. I ended the career of the Undertaker! Not only that, but I became the new world heavyweight champion! But don’t feel bad for him, because, I did him a favor. If he had managed to beat me, I would have hunted him down and beaten him so viciously he would have left the WWE as a shell - this way, he got to leave with some dignity. He lost the TLC to the master of the TLC match, he lost to one of the greatest, if not THE greatest superstar In the history of the WWE! He should thank me! So everybody, a toast to the dead man! May he rest in peace. (lights go out) GOTCHA! YOU ALL FELL FOR IT! HAHAHAHAHA! I’m sorry, I had to do it! You know, life works in mysterious ways. As something dies, something else blossoms. Honey…
Vickie - I have an announcement to make! IN FIVE WEEKS, on July 11th, Edge and I will be pledging our love in holy matrimony RIGHT HERE ON SMACKDOWN! (Batista comes out) WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?
Batista - Relax, it’s not what you think. I don’t understand why you didn’t invite me to the party - I like to party. I wanted to come out here and wish you the best and wish you luck in your wedding. You two really deserve each other - from the bottom of my heart, I hope you two live happily ever after! I’m just kidding, I HOPE YOU HAVE UGLY LITTLE KIDS AND MAKE EACH OTHER MISERABLE!
Edge - Is that all you came out to say!?
Batista - Actually, there’s one more thing. Last week, I said I was gonna challenge the winner of the TLC match, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Vickie - I was going to announce this later, I’ll tell you right now - you want a WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP match? Well, you’re not gonna get one, because you need to remember that I don’t take orders, I GIVE THEM! And if you wanna match, you’re gonna have to earn it, so tonight, you will have a match - an 8 man tag match. Edge, Chavo, Hawkins and Ryder versus you and three partners of MY choosing!
Edge - Oh and Dave, you better hope that you win or get drafted, because if you don’t win, you’ll never get another title match against me AGAIN!
Foley - I’m sure Vickie will pick an all-star team for Batista.
Cole - Is Sal ready for Santino tonight!?
Foley - Or any of us…
Foley - What’s Palumbo doing in Hornswoggle’s lair?
Foley - My back’s hurting from carrying you each week.
Foley - Vickie’s ongoing abuse of power continues.
Cole - We saw the damage the train…chain did last week!
Cole - Cousin Sal gets to realize a lifelong dream tonight - WRESTLE ON SMACKDOWN!
Foley - It’s a realization of all of our dreams, tonight…
Show - I guess my shot at America’s Next Top Model is out - sometimes when you go into these extreme rules matches, you don’t come out looking like you did when you went in. I’m now the number 1 contender to the ECW Title (fans cheer) Thank you! That Singapore cane match was a challenge, but now I’m onto an even bigger challenge in Kane - he’s a champion for a reason, he’s dominant…(Mark Henry comes out)
Cole - IT’S THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN, MARK HENRY, MICK!
Henry - A few weeks ago, you said that I should pick on somebody my own size, then ya wrestled in a match with sticks! (clips air of Show’s injury) That don’t look like championship material to me.
Show - You know, Mark, even with a bad eye, I can see that you are full of it. There’s nothing between you and I but air and opportunity (he breathes) AND THERE WENT ALL THE AIR!
Foley - Santino vs. Sal - THE BATTLE OF THE GIANTS IS TONIGHT!
Cole - There’s Rick Rubin - I wonder what he thinks of Deuce and Domino’s theme music.
Foley - Hey Michael, remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned the electronic fart machine?
Cole - …yes…
Foley - Since the fart people sent me a great package like that, I wonder if Disney will send me something for mentioning how much fun I had at Disney world…
Cole - WHAT!? Why don’t you talk about the Great Khali!?
Vickie - I am a pioneer, like the Fabulous Moolah, who held the women’s title for over 27 years. Unfortunately, this show doesn’t have its own women’s title, but that’s going to change - we’re going to crown a diva’s champion!
(as Sal comes out)Foley - If this is the price we pay for getting Roddy Piper, I’m willing to pay it.
(as Sal shows off his singlet)Foley - I said this match would set SmackDown back by 10 years, I apologize, it’s only been set back 9 years.
Cole - What’s Sal thinking here?
Foley - I have no idea what he’s thinking, or what the production staff is thinking for that matter.
Cole - Santino giving up his body to Sal…
Foley - Why don’t you make fun of Sal for his lack of coloring? You’re making fun of me for not using make-up at the table. At least I don’t have a Jillian Hall mole.
(after he does a suplex)Cole - COUSIN SAL, SURPRISING THE WORLD!
Foley - Cousin Sal, the ratings-killer.
Foley - That’s your legacy, Roddy!
(after Kimmel limply kicks and fails to trip Santino)Cole - ONLY ON FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! (then they replay the botched ending)
Cole - LOOK AT JIMMY KIMMEL PUT THE BOOTS TO SANTINO!
Edge - Chavo, since I’m gonna be your uncle Edge, could you be my best man?
Chavo - Yeah, man!
Cole - The first diva to climb the pole and grab the gold star will be able to compete for the diva’s championship.
Foley - Michael, Layla hates my wardrobe just like you, so I guess that’s one thing you two have in common.
Foley - Michael, Maryse told me that she takes issue with how you pronounce her name - it’s “Malyse”.
Cole - Mick, how cool was Michelle McCool as the guest host of the Best Damn Sports Show Period!?
Foley - She’s always McCool.
Cole - Mick’s just registering to show you how to do it - he’s ineligible as a WWE employee.
Foley - Yang has taken me under his wing - if he can help me register… am I really disqualified for being a WWE employee? How about this - instead of calling his match, I’ll just tell a bunch of bad jokes. Maybe then I’ll get fired.
Cole - You’ve been doing that for weeks!
(on Kozlov)Foley - I’m trying to think of what I’d do against this man in my heyday, if I had one, and I’m coming up empty.
(on Million Dollar Mania)Foley - Vince McMahon hasn’t throw away this much money since he signed Goldberg.
(after Batista’s first two Vickie-picked partners come out)Foley - Well…Nunzio and Funaki are former cruiserweight champions…
Foley - Earlier, Edge stated that Vickie completed him - in this day and age, should people really be quoting Tom Cruise?
Cole - BATISTA IS UNLOADING ON LA FAMILIA!
Foley - AND UNLOAD HE DOES!