(as the case winners enter the Impact Zone)Tenay - Three of the cases contain title shots, one contains a pink slip - WILL SOMEONE BE FIRED FROM TNA TONIGHT!? Hopefully we’ll know before the night is over!
DW - Despite what happened to her on Turning Point, Gail Kim will be in action here tonight!
(as Rellik comes down the ramp)Tenay - If you joined in for Turning Point on Sunday night, you saw one of the most unpredictable nights in TNA history. You also saw one of the most violent matches in TNA history in the match of 10,000 TACKS!
(as Black Reign comes down the ramp)DW - He went through a table with THOUSANDS of thumbtacks on it, and he’s clearly abnormal, as no normal man would be able to compete tonight after that!
DW - That member of the Latino Nation always has that…
Tenay - LOADED SOCK!!!
DW - Yes, I was trying to think of what it was!! The slapjack!
DW - Tonight, we will find out who got the title shots, and who got the pink slip.
Tenay - At TNA Mobile, we’ve got ALL THE DETAILS ON A BACKSTAGE ALTERCATION AT TURNING POINT THAT DON AND I CAN’T TALK ABOUT ON IMPACT!
Tenay - Don, the RUMOR TONIGHT is that the Angle alliance will confront Christian Cage, also, we’ll find out who got what in the four briefcases in the feast or fired match!
(Hemme gets hit with the loaded sock)Tenay - THAT LOADED SOCK JUST KNOCKED OUT CHRISTY HEMME! (Christy rolls around and sits up) JIM CORNETTE AND SPIKE TV HAVE WARNED LAX ABOUT THIS!
Cornette - Feast or Fired was everything we thought it would be and then some, and it gets even better tonight, as this show’s gonna be even more exciting. Matt Morgan’s got the cases in a secure location.
Morgan - They’re secure - Crystal’s got them.
Cornette - CRYSTAL’S GOT THEM!? WHY DON’T YOU JUST GIVE A CAN OF GASOLINE TO AN ARSONIST!
(to Cornette)BRD - You’re the head of this company, you have no balls, just like the X division! If you want you rbelt, just take it and give it to him!
Lethal - I don’t want it handed to me, I want to grab it - let’s put it above the ring in a ladder match!
BRD - If you knew anything about your wrestling history, you’d know to step back a bit!
Lethal - I know a lot about history - Earthquake did the big dive and Slick…did the jive!
(on the X title non-title match)Tenay - Finally, Jay Lethal gets the opportunity to gain possession of the X division title belt. This isn’t a title match, but I CAN TELL YOU that it’s about gaining possession of that title belt!
(Gail Kim comes down the ramp)Tenay - GAIL KIM IS CLEARLY STILL FEELING THE EFFECTS OF THE MATCH AGAINST AWESOME KONG! (Gail moves around normally, then wiggles ass on apron)
Tenay - The LOCKER ROOM BUZZ after Turning Point was all about the Gail Kim-Awesome Kong match. People are calling it the greatest women’s wrestling match in history!
DW - CAN YOU BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT!?
(Kong comes down to the ring)DW - ODB’s trying to drink some courage!
DW - What separates the knockout division from every other women’s division is that IT MATTERS!
Tenay - BLACK SHIRT SECURITY’S COMING DOWN TO SEPARATE THESE TWO!
Tenay - GAIL KIM RUSHES THROUGH SECURITY AT AWESOME KONG!
Tenay - WHO’S GONNA STOP AWESOME KONG!? Now let’s go back to Crystal with the Feast or Fired briefcases!
(XXX argues)Morgan - I SMELL MONEY, tonight, it’ll be Senshi versus the “Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels for THIS briefcase! (Daniels prays to almighty) HEY, PAY ATTENTION!
Skipper - PLEASE, IN THE INEREST OF FAIRNESS, MAKE ME THE SPECIAL REFEREE!
Morgan - Okay, I like that. I SMELL MONEY!
J.B. - Tomko, we’ve heard from every member of the Angle Alliance, except you, what are your thoughts?
Tomko - Christian’s going to do what Christian’s going to do - Christian is Christian, and you know what, maybe it’s time for Tomko to do what Tomko wants to do…
J.B. - …ok.
Tenay - WE’D LIKE TO WELCOME NASCAR DRIVER AND TV ANALYIST HERMIE SADLER TO THE IMPACT ZONE!
Sadler - Sometimes, you just gotta put it all on the line, that’s what these guys are doing Who can forget that hurracanrana off the cage in 2005?
Tenay - HERMIE WASN’T PRIMED FOR THAT LINE! HE’S A TNA FAN, AND HE JUST PROVED IT THERE!
(Senshi hits a sick kick)Tenay - WE’RE JOINED HERE BY NASCAR DRIVER, TV ANALYST, HERMIE SADLER!
DW - DID YOU HEAR THAT KICK?!
Tenay - CHRISTOPHER DANIELS HAS POSSESSION OF THE CASE THANKS TO HERMIE SADLER, LET’S GO BACK TO CRYSTAL WITH THE BRIEFCASES!
BG - Matt, you seem to be some kind of authority figure around here.
Morgan - Yup.
BG - Maybe you can settle something between me and the Kipper - if I end up with the tag title shot, I can team up with a partner of my choosing, right?
Morgan - Yes.
Kip - I’m your partner! What’s there to discuss?
BG - Yeah, well I’m starting to wonder why!
Roxxi - The case isn’t yours… it’s cursed.
BG - OF COURSE IT’S MINE, IT HAS MY NAME ON IT, YOU IDIOT! The only thing cursed around here is my current company.
Kip - WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!
Tenay - You met Chris after he was in prison, so how do you know so much about his past?!
Mitchell - I did… extensive research. I have an extensive… archive…
(to Crystal)Petey - Maple Leaf Muscle is here…
Crystal - What?
(to Crystal)Petey - Back before you had your nose stuck up Kurt Angle’s gluteus maximus - that means butt, or had a boyhood crush on him, I was winning bodybuilding competitions. Just last week, I became Maple Leaf Muscle, I was at a competition and Ahnold was there, yeah, and he said “Vow, you’re one of the best bodybuilders I’ve ever seen. Gyah, gyah!”(show goes to commercial)
(show comes back)Angle - I’m the champion, and the champion doesn’t wait around! Christian, are you with us or against us?!
Roode - Mr. Angle, I know that there is power in numbers, just look at my bank account, so yes, I accept your invitation.
Christian - Bobby, you need these men, I don’t.
Tenay - HE DOESN’T LIKE TO BE CALLED “BOBBY!”
Christian - THE INSTANT CLASSIC IS THE REAL WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
(to Tomko)Christian - YOU WERE A PRISON GUARD WORKING IN SOME CRAPPY PRISON WHEN I FOUND YOU! YOUR WIFE AND KID OUGHTA BE THANKING ME FOR PUTTING FOOD ON YOUR TABLE! WITHOUT ME, YOU’RE NOTHING. WITH ME, YOU’RE SOMETHING!
Christian - AJ, I saw more potential in you than anyone. Before me, you were second to none in the ring, but without me, you couldn’t formulate two sentences on-camera, but I made you more comfortable. You all need me to be somebody! You want me? Fine, but I’m the leader. AJ, when I say jump, you say “how high!”, that includes you too, Kurt Angle.
DW - NO WAY KURT ANGLE ACCEPTS THIS!(Angle shakes Cage’s hand)
DW - WHAT!? WHAT!? IS HE ALLOWING HIM TO BE THE LEADER!?
Tenay - HE SHOOK HIS HAND!?
DW - THIS IS UNREAL!
(Joe’s music hits)Tenay - It’s Samoa Joe, and he’s got troops. Booker T, Eric Young.
DW - AND KEVIN NASH IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM!
Tenay - Oh, and Kaz!
Tenay - WHAT?! A TEN MAN TAG AT FINAL RESOLUTION, AT OUR JANUARY PAY-PER-VIEW!?
Karen - Why wait until then, let’s have it TONIGHT!
Karen - Booker, get your skank wife out of here?
Sharmell - If you’re talking about PAST EVENTS, it was YOUR husband who wanted to put his hands on me, but I WOULDN’T LET HIM!
Crystal - Brother Ray, Brother Devon, you’ve got to give Jay Lethal credit…
BRD - Brother Ray, Brother Devon, you gotta give him credit… SHUT UP! I should feed you to my brother, you’re just his type - short, blonde, and white! The X division is just a bunch of little boys who never became men. Where my brother Devon and I come from, THE STREETS OF NYC, and from where brother Devine is from, WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT! WE’RE TEAM 3D AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT (BRD then forces a kiss onto Crystal)
Penzer - The following is a six-man ladder match for possession of the X division title belt!
Tenay - It’s time for the ladder match, but now we’re going to go to the back with Crystal.
Scott Steiner - Caroline, this briefcase is gonna put me back on top of the world! When I get this title shot, I’m gonna get the TNA… world heavyweight title, and when I do, ratings are gonna go through the roof, and box office records are gonna be set!
Crystal - Didn’t Jim Cornette tell you to make sure the cases were in a safe place?
Morgan - They’re in a safe place - in the arms of the men who originally won them. (the other half of the entrances for the match happening “now” occurs)
Tenay - As we’ve said before, this match is just for POSESSION OF THE X DIVISION TITLE, not the X division title.
(BRD hitches up pants)Tenay - WELCOME BACK TO TNA IMPACT EVERYBODY!
(Lethal grabs belt, gets Koed by Ray, who grabs the belt while the ref’s distracted, and throws it to Lethal)Tenay - OH NO, IT HAPPENED AGAIN! NOW LET’S REVISIT MY INTERVIEW WITH FATHER JAMES MITCHELL!
Cornette - Crystal, what are you talking about? I haven’t seen the whole show, I’ve been in meetings. Where are the briefcases?
Morgan - Jimmy, they’re in the safest place possible - in the arms of the winners.
CORNETTE - YOU BLITHERING IDIOT! THEY’RE GONNA GIMMICK THEM, THEY’RE GONNA FIDDLE WITH THEM AND PREVENT US FROM UNVEILING THEM ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! IF UPSTAIRS IS MAD WITH ME, YOU’RE GOING FIRST! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? GO FIND THESE MEN, GET THE BRIEFCASES, AND PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET!
Tenay - We’ve got a five-on-five, yes, TEN MAN tag match as our main event. It’s got STAR POWER!
DW - It’s funny, Mike, that’s what I first thought of when I saw this match - STAR POWER!
Tenay - Think of the titles won by these men, and that world heavyweight title match Kaz had with Angle!
DW - OH HE WAS SO CLOSE!
Tenay - How close?
DW - THIS CLOSE, LIKE AN INCH!
Tenay - This is a match we’ve been dying to see! KURT ANGLE VERSUS BOOKER, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT BOOKER T WANTS THE TITLE WORLD TITLE CURRENTLY HELD BY KURT ANGLE!
(Nash fakes out doing a running plancha to the floor)Tenay - Nash is like ‘WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?” WE’VE GOTTA TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK… NOW!?
(show comes back)Tenay - THE STAR POWER IN THIS MATCH HAS JUST BROKEN DOWN AS EVERYONE’S BRAWLING WITH EVERYONE!
DW - We’ll follow it as best we can, as everyone is just fighting with everyone!
Tenay - Christian’s focusing on that injured shoulder, it’s been plaguing him for a while - ever since Sunday at Turning Point, during that match with “the Cowboy” James Storm!
Tenay - I’ve just gotten word that Matt Morgan has retrieved all the briefcases, and according to TNA Management’s Jim Cornette, they’ll all be opened NEXT WEEK, and if there are any further screw-ups, Matt Morgan will be fired!
DW - HE WON’T EVEN HAVE TO OPEN A BRIEFCASE FOR THAT!
(Nash hits a big boot twice)DW - IT’S LIKE HE’S GONE BACK IN TIME!
(Christian pulls the ref out during a Nash pin attempt)Tenay - VERY UNIQUE SAVE FROM CHRISTIAN CAGE!
(faces smile together)Tenay - IT’S A FEEL-GOOD MOMENT HERE ON IMPACT! EVEN MS. BROOKS IS HAPPY THAT ROBERT ROODE WAS PINNED!